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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

“I don’t exist” ~ Emptiness

I want to say that I’m doing much better and that I feel great, but that would be a fantasy. My therapist suggested that blogging would help lower the intensity of my feelings. I didn’t intend to talk about my mother for the the whole session. I’m having a really difficult time writing this like in the session I kept dissociating to where I missed whole parts of what Geoffrey said to me. I keep feeling like I’m trying to do the same writing this.

It started with talking about not going to Thanksgiving and everyone in my family calling or emailing me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and that they hope I feel well enough to come to Christmas. Everyone, except my mother. Now, I know it isn’t realistic to have her call and I know that I could have called, but I only wanted to speak with her if she was going to be nice. Chances are she wouldn’t be. After a long time of going around making a direct statement I admitted that I was disappointed.

Then, next thing I know we are talking about feeling like I’m unwanted, I don’t exist, am unimportant and don’t matter to her. That being how I’ve felt my whole life and her actions match. So, Thanksgiving kicked all that up again which is also why That Monday is not processed yet. Then, to admit that I really wanted to feel wanted by her or that I existed by her my whole life just led me to tears.

Also, that emptiness. An all to familiar emptiness that feels like my whole body aches with hollowness. Hollow because I don’t exist. I’ve never really existed to her except for when she needed me, but then I was just a projection which to me means I existed even less. Words cannot adequately describe the pain. And, I can’t find the words to describe my pain. Hollow, non-existent fits. But, not quite. Still those aren’t even feelings.

I know that I just really hurt right now and so want to fill the whole up with shopping. I wish I could afford to do more than just Christmas shopping. Anyway, my pain is intense and I can’t seem to explain it. But, it is pain where I want to curl up in a corner and die. And, feeling really hopeless. I'm feel like I'm rambling. I feel disorganized.


Immi said...

You exist. You hurt. And that sucks. *sending hugs*

Anonymous said...

Oh, sister. There is so much pain here in your anonymous place of sharing. I am praying for you and weeping with you.

Clueless said...

@immi. Well, put. Thanks.

@Jennifer. Thank you. It feels good not to be alone and to have a sister supporting me.

Mike Golch said...

you exist,you deserve happiness.I have you in my prayers and I embrace you with a cosmic hug.

Janine Kain said...

This moved me to tears. I wish I was in your life to be able to reach out and give you a hug.

Clueless said...

@Mike. With tears in my eyes, hugs back and a big thank you.

@jackal. Thank you. I would really like that. Thank you for hearing my pain.

Ethereal Highway said...

I just want you to know that it gets better. This is the third year I have elected not to see my family during the holidays. My mother called on Thanksgiving. I was busy downloading some software when I took the phone. I grunted a few responses, and then we hung up and I ate my dinner in peace. Caller ID said we spoke for 1 minute and 38 seconds. I can't say that I miss her in particular. I don't. My sister didn't even call this year. She didn't come over and we live in the same neighborhood. Oh, well. The truth is... I don't really like my family, and they are not good for me. I can't imagine ever putting up with any of them again. May I be really blunt? They kind of suck. They don't want anything to do with the truth, so I want nothing to do with them. I spent my whole life stuffing down the truth because of those people, and I'm not taking any guff out of any of them.

Things can change more than you think they can. Take hope. All is not lost. You've made a really healthy start. You don't owe them, you know. You owe only yourself.

Catatonic Kid said...

CC, you've got to be about the least empty person I know. Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration but you're way up there.

I look at you and see someone bursting at the seams with unrelieved hope, faith and beauty. I know that seems strange to say when you're in so much pain and it isn't meant to lessen that fact in anyway. It's just to say that you are a rich tapestry of some of the finest emotions available to man or beast, and even if your Mother doesn't see that I think many of us out here do. *Hugs*

Clueless said...

@ethereal highway. Thanks. I appreciate your understanding. This is the first year that I actually allowed myself a little feeling.

@CK. Thank you for the comforting words...you made me tear up. Sad part is that my mother has never and probably will never see who I am. My loss and grief...and her loss. Oh, the ache of that little kid longing so just to be wanted.

Anonymous said...

Whilst you might not feel better right now, I think you are getting better CC!

That you're talking about this stuff is progress of the best kind.

Not going to Thanksgiving sounds like a wise move, more proof that you're doing better (even though you feel crappy).

Keep making those great decisions for yourself - and definitely don't go to Christmas if you're not up to it... sounds like you'd be better off anyway...


Tamara (TC) Staples said...


Certainly you exist and you matter very much. Your mother is ill and her behavior says nothing about you and everything about her and her illness. I do know how it feels to want her to care when she doesn't. As you know, my mother is incapable of caring and it hurt for a long, long time. I did truly reach a point where I understood that I was not less of a person because she couldn't care about me. And, neither are you. You are a wonderfully expressive person with so much love to give. Your desire to heal is so motivating.

I know how bad it hurts and wish I could ease that hurt for you. From experience I know it does get better.


Clueless said...

@Svasti. Thanks. I just wish that it I didn't have to feel the backlog of feelings...no time traveling to by pass it.

@Tamara. Thank you for the encouragement and hugs. I understand, but it is the admitting that I ever and still do want anything from her that is most difficult.

I know that I am getting better, it just really sucks!!!

Anonymous said...

... your post has been rolling around in my head for a couple of days and got me thinking of some things, this line in particular...

'I’ve never really existed to her except for when she needed me, but then I was just a projection which to me means I existed even less.'

i can relate terribly to that.... (((safe hugs)))) ... thank you so much for sharing this....

Clueless said...

@Vague. You are welcome. I am sad and glad that you could identify with the post. That realization is tough.

Take care

P.S.~you have some really cool expression links on your site.

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