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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, November 3, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 8, 2005 ~ Holding It Together!


PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (current observations in purple)

I haven't been doing very well since last night. Something didn't sit right with me about the session. Today, I'm feeling really panicky, unfocused, overwhelmed and disorganized. [Panicky and overwhelmed and awful are things that I say I've been feeling every morning since this all started. What I know now it that is the way I used to feel all the time, but it was before I had words to describe my feelings; hence, the vague word "awful."]

I think, with the end of the year and with all the work I have to get caught up on, changing our schedule was just one more extra variable. I felt out of control even more. Last night, I felt like crying. A part of me with the schedule is that I'm afraid that it won't work out. And, I disconnected last night. Today, I've had moments when I've felt like I was going to die or wanted to do so. I'm really wanting to cut and bruise. [Anticipatory anxiety always begins at the end of October, like now. My anxiety rises and my defenses engage just in case.]

I think, yesterday, I wasn't ready to deal with scheduling problems. Just felt like crying all day and hadn't slept well. Didn't sleep well last night either. I'm feeling really anxious overwhelmed and stressed with the end of the year. I think, the weekend was really stressful for me and difficult. Feels like I fought really hard to stay connected. Also, felt extremely relieved that I saw you Monday and just wanted to cry. I guess, I felt sort of like I missed out yesterday because I was late.

Today was really a long day and I was constantly busy even so the thoughts were intrusive and I felt panicky, at times, or felt like I could tear up. Not really sure why. Sometimes, just getting through the day seems so difficult and like I'm just trying to hold it together to get through. [Work is becoming increasingly overwhelming and I am becoming almost incapacitated and falling further behind which incapacitates me more. I'm still working full-time and then some.]

My client was re-hospitalized last night. I'm concerned about him and want to go see him, but feel like it would just be pushing it. Sometimes, I wonder when things will be "normal" again.

I really just feel like crying. Felt like crying last week too. Feels like I've been trying really hard to stay in control which probably just adds to my stress. I guess, I feel like something needs to feel more settled which may be why the schedule thing bothered me so much. I just really feel like crying. I was so relieved to see you Monday. I was really afraid you wouldn't come back, but don't think I was able to acknowledge that.

Just feels like the past couple of weeks I've been just holding it together and it feels like things just keep building.

Observations: I was not able at the time to acknowledge that I was really afraid that he was not going to see me again after his vacation. I was getting increasingly ungrounded and disconnecting. The stress of working and trying to deal with therapy and the memories was really not working anymore, but I was hoping that the holidays when I took time off would help. I was also freaking out about going from 8 hours of therapy a week to 7. It is really hard for me to believe that I was doing and feeling all this. I was really crazy to be working and I really did need the level of treatment. It was that or the hospital. I am really grateful that Geoffrey took the time, patience and energy to modify outpatient therapy to meet my needs.


Anonymous said...

I havent heard from you in a while and I just wanted to see how you are doing.

Anonymous said...

CC in reading your observations of that past journal entry, I can really see how very far you have come. You have traveled a long journey, my friend and have come so far from where you were. Your writing will help so many people--I hope one day that you will write a book so you can reach even more people but (of course) you should only do that when you are ready. Your blog really inspires me.



Immi said...

It's fascinating to see your growth, CC. This year may feel overwhelming, and yes, you may be taking on too much, but you've come a long way nonetheless. Give yourself credit where it's due.

jumpinginpuddles said...

have bene concerned about not seeing you around any blogs, this time of year i think makes anyone wondere if they have come far and i can see you have but its a perilous journey with many edges and its ok to feel shit about those edges.

Clueless said...

@snow white queen. I have been having a rough time.

@melinda. Thank you. You inspire me too. I do plan to write a book one day. I have traveled quite a distance and it has been well worth it.

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