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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Visiting "The Old Neighborhood"

Sorry, about not getting around to comments including responding to my own and visiting blogs. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and one today plus therapy. Therapy and my other appointments are an hour from each other, so by the time I get home I usually take at least a two hour nap and I am gone most of the day. The day also starts much earlier, so I am even more wiped.

However, I am doing a bit better and thank you everyone for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. For that, I am thankful this week and always. My doing better is a mixed bag as I am doing better because I am feeling more and letting more truth into my brain. It has been quite painful and I dissociate some or fragment. It isn’t so much better as much as just different because both are painful.

Yesterday, was a good example. I had an optometry appointment for my new progressive lenses (oh, one does get older. At least, they have progressive and not bifocals. But, I am having such a hard time getting used to them.). The appointment is out in the area where my grandparents and my step-father’s parent used to live. They lived close to each other. The freeway on ramp is close to where we lived when I was in elementary school. So, I know the area very well. It is a well traveled route for me.

I’ve been out there many, many, many, many times, but never had an experience like today. My therapist says because I wasn’t all there. But, I went from feeling disconnected to really depressed, hopeless, terrified, sad, empty, pain, anger, trapped and overwhelmed. I just couldn’t wait until I got out of the area. I kept telling him that I’ve never felt this way before, but he told me that I did all the time. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel it, but now I am. I can’t imagine a child the age I was feeling like I did and having no control. At least, I had control yesterday.

So, basically I’m not feeling very well and having a rough time, but, in terms of therapy, I am doing well. I even noted for the past week that I have been letting myself cry in every session. My therapist displayed a bit of excitement when I said that. He has worked in theatre, so he can be quite expressive and funny. I still feel like I’m going back and forth between being able to express myself and not. Like yesterday, all I could say for awhile was that “I didn’t feel good, I felt awful, or It was hard.” Non-descript words that leave people guessing what it means.

I’m also having a difficult time with the increased depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges. One thing that is helping is when I can keep into focus that it is sort of a flashback to how I used to feel or cope and not a current feeling. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but helps me to stay grounded and not act on anything.

Everyone, thank you for sticking with me through this and leaving comments. I really appreciate it even it responding doesn’t happen in a timely manner or at all. I want to and I want to read your blogs, but I’m just not there or there inconsistently. Thank you again.

5 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

What a painful experience ... having to drive through old neighborhoods. I'm glad you made it through it.

Ash said...

You are absolutely entitled to not blog sometimes! Just know that if you need us, you know how to find us!

I can understand the overwhelming emotions from driving near the old neighborhood.

It's totally clear to me, having a five year old step daughter, that kids just don't know yet how to express how they're feeling. It takes time and teaching. I try to be very active in helping them find words to express themselves.

I'm glad to know you're in a safe place to learn these things NOW, you know? One is never too old to be able to express yourself. And it's a process-- and you've been taught that you can't express your emotions, so I'm SO proud of you for doing it anyway. That takes a lot of bravery and you should be proud of yourself, too.

You're not alone!

Melinda said...

CC, dear friend--you don't ever need to apologize for anything. My support is unconditional--you are a kindred spirit. We have traveled much of the same hard road in our lives and I give you my full support. I know full well you are going through a very tough time and my only desire is to see you come through as happy and healthy as you possibly can. And I believe that you will--you have amazing courage and strength and you will probably never know the number of people you inspire with your blog.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving CC--and thank you for being my friend.

Melinda

Mike Golch said...

CC,I hopr that you have a great Thanksgiving.

Immi said...

You're doing great to keep your feet on the ground CC. No need to apologize. You're doing what you need to do for you and that's what's important. You've got a lot of courage and are showing it daily. *sending hugs*

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