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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part II of IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued.... (current commentary in purple)

I think, since crying, I've really felt embarrassed, like I did something really wrong, that something bad is going to happen and that I am going to die. Also, felt like I needed to do that for a long time [cry]. It did feel good to be heard by you. [I am trusting him on a whole new level by crying, hitting and screaming with him without knowing why. I still have difficulty with this.]

I'm also feeling like I need to die and that I really need to hurt myself. One because I feel bad and the other is to calm my anxiety. Sometimes, I get so tired and discouraged that I keep going here. Other times, the thoughts make complete sense to act upon. [Again, I express myself truthfully and there is a price I make myself pay...I continue to have difficulty just letting myself be.]

When I was crying and intrusively so since, it feels like everything hurts. Also, felt angry and hitting the pillow felt good except that I bruised my hand. During when I would let myself go some, there were thoughts of hitting myself and also wanting to hit someone else. [I was just starting to feel my anger and it wasn't very focused except for at myself, most of the time.]

The screaming felt like I released some of/and felt more intensely the amount of anger, fear and pain that I had/have. Feels like there is more. I'm tearing up now.

During, I also had some thoughts of wanting to die because I just hurt so much or was absolutely terrified. Terrified of being slapped, hit, dying, being screamed or yelled at, being grabbed, being forced upon and just beginning to feel the searing pain of the spankings. I think, that is what the crying, screaming and hitting were about, but not all some of it was just feeling so alone, misunderstood, unheard, like I didn't exist and feeling so utterly bad and wanting to die. [These sensations and realizations were new to me at the time, at this level, so it was quite distressing to me.]

Sometime, I just feel like crying with no identifiable reason. Sometimes that's what it felt like for me at all ages and just got worse as I got older. [I need to know what I am going to cry about; otherwise, I have difficulty...again I just can't let me be where I am.]

To be continued....

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