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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

I started biting my nails when I was very young and I remeber him slapping my hands each time to get me to stop which I was never able to do until a few weeks before I graduated from college.

He got angry and corrected me in the way I ate my soup, held my pencil, how many fries to eat at one time, keeping my elbows off the table, using my napkin properly, brushing my teeth. He also told me that I drank and ate too quickly. He said I was supposed to chew my food at least 25 times. I remember skipping and him getting angry because that was not a proper way to walk. I was also told to take smaller more ladylike bites.

He would correct me about the way I spoke. Sometimes, I spoke too quickly or used improper grammar, or misprounounced words. He would correct me. I remember him correcting me about using "ain't" and with pronouncing my last name. I got lectures about my grades if they were less than "A"s which I alwasy had some "B" or, God forbid, a "C."

He would also lecture me about not becoming overweight like he was and comparing me to a relative that we always visited who was a year older and a cheerleader type. I remember him getting angry because I was making too much noise which basically meant that he could hear me in the other room of the house.

Feeling angry because I felt like he picked on me, that I could never live up to his standards and that that was the primary way I remember interacting with him. There were also some fun times too, but those could be easily interrupted. Also, feel a little sad because, he was so strict with what little time he did spend with me. Also, feeling really scared and panicky...afraid to move, say anything or even make a sound....

8 comments:

transanima said...

my dear .. i bite my nails for about 30 years now.. i had periods i stoppe .. right now each finger hurts ..
i am not here for advrtising .. but my blog deals a lot with subjects You mention . . i am very often longing for someone who is willing to admit and share the feeling of life denial ..

i ll keep visiting You

warm hugs

tr

svasti said...

CC, your posts about your father are so sad. This one prickles more than most, because although my parents were never this bad... my mother has similar aspects of all the nitpicking.

To this day in fact!

You are lucky to be so beloved by your wonderful husband after all your terrifying issues with male figures in your life.

How did you ever learn to trust again? I'd love it if you posted about that some time...

Svasti xo

Immi said...

OMG! I'll never forget my father telling me that no one would ever marry m e because I held my knife like a barbarian. And I never could say "nine" to suit him. Dang, I'm not alone. For your sake, I wish I was.

Melinda said...

CC, wow--our fathers sound like they might have very well been cut from the exact same piece of cloth. My father rarely paid any attention to me (other than when he molested me at night) but when he did, it was nothing but criticism on everything from the clothes I wore to the grades that I brought home to the friends I had.

Another thing we have in common, though, is that we both found wonderful men to marry. We are so lucky--but this also speaks to our resilence and strength. It is very common for women who were abused as children to form relationships with men that are abusive (and I did do this before I entered recovery. More than anything, this speaks to your strength and how far you have come. Keep up the great work.

Your analysis is so insightful, CC--

Melinda

The Unstable Blogger said...

I started biting my nails at a very young age as well. I am 35 now and I still do it. When my anxiety level is higher than normal, I will chew at the skin around my finger nails. It is just something I've always done. I do it without even thinking about it. I have even chewed off acrylic nails! My mother tried that stuff people use on kids to stop sucking their thumbs.... she painted that crap on my fingers a few times. I chewed right thru it.

I wish adults would stop for even a second to think about what they are saying and doing to their children because just a few words can last a lifetime. *hugs* I am glad you shared this and I hope by doing so, it lets out some of the pain that goes with it.

Clueless said...

@transanima. Well, if you keep visiting here, you will get the harsh truth.

@svasti. Sigh, trust. What a tough issue. Yes, I would like to do a post on it for both my blog and GSTF...in time. I too think it would be interesting what I would come up with. :-)

@immi. For what it is worth, you are not alone.

@melinda. Thank you and I am so grateful for my resilence because without it I know that I would not be here today.

Clueless said...

@unstable blogger. Hmmm...shhh, but my therapist picks at the skin around his nails when he is stressed. He has done this the whole time I've known him.

That is the problem with most people they react instead of stop and think myself included. I'm glad that I shared this part of my journal and taking a second look at it.

Tamara said...

Clueless,

How difficult to deal with so many arbitrary and unfair rules. I know how that colors your life for years afterwards. Many times in ways that you don't even see or understand.

Very, very sorry that you experienced this.

Many hugs,
Tamara

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