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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

Remember, him hitting the kitchen table when he would get angry with my mother and would start to yell. Remember being slapped in my crib and up until he stopped seeing me regularly (sort of) in the beginning of elementary school. Still remember being really scared.

Sometimes, it felt like his yelling or scolding came so suddenly and usually I didn't understand why he was so strict and kept picking on me. He seemed so unpredictable and most of the time, I didn't even know I was doing anything wrong. I'd get angry, but didn't let him know and tried to hide it. Also, didn't cry because it also hurt my feelings.

I remember his apartment and my spending the night in my sleeping bag on his couch. I was really young. At his apartment, breakfast was always Cheerios which I really didn't like especially with the mild in the cereal, but I remember thinking "I better not complain." I also remember the time when I spilled the cereal on the floor. It wasn't alot, but I immediately felt my stomach drop because I knew I was in big trouble.

I remember thinking I'd better clean it up and started to, but he was so fast and grabbed me by my right arm really tightly with one hand and pulled my pants and underwear down with the other as he easily picked me up and tossed me on the leather couch. I remember hearing him take his belt off and hear it go through the air and hit me. He was so angry and he kept spanking. I didn't cry or say anything. When he was done, he told me to get dressed, clean up the floor and eat breakfast.

The only other time I remember him spanking me was when I was playing with the doors at the home with his second or third wife. I remember him yelling my name and seeing his face. I immediately began saying, "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

He grabbed me, and lectured me about how improperly I was behaving and that doors are not toys and that I was making too much noise. He pulled my pants and underwear down and pused me on the arm of the sofa, took his belt off, held my back down with his left hand and started spanking me with his belt with his right.

I remember hearing the belt go through the air and hit my bottom. I think, I went away some because both times I don't remember the spanking hurting, but they did hurt a lost. I teared up because it stung so much, but I didn't cry or say anything once he started. I remember thinking that he was unfair and was really angry again I couldn't please him.


Anonymous said...

He was a total jerk.


You didn't deserve that! No child deserves that!

Anonymous said...

Hey. Don't really know how to comment but I just wanted you to know that I still read your page. I havent seen you at my page in a while :( what happened?

Clueless said...

@ash. Thanks. Well, put.

@snow white. I haven't been able to visit most blogs, so you are not the only one. Sorry, but I am having difficulties.

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