As Geoffrey and I talked about what has been going on, he realized that neither one of understood how much I was effected by That Monday where it was so chaotic that we couldn't have a session and he was angry and focused on finding a place to meet.
It kicked up a lot of things that we haven't processed, so it kept getting pushed underground for the past three or four weeks. This is why my symptoms and my defenses kept getting worse. I'm still feeling hopeless, but it is more toward discouraged.
It is so hard just for me to "be" including just thinking and feeling. Then get to talking and that is a whole different hurdle. Part of the impass with therapy is that I'll revert to six months and not have any language to explain what is going on or I might use vague words. And, I withdraw more and more and feel intensely, but am not able to express it except by acting it out usually by just shutting down.
Bottom like is that I am not as overwhelmed, hopeless, suicidal, depressed, angry and empty feeling. Some of it is a flashback and another part is self-projection. Either way, it is painful, but I feel like I have a better handle off it, but still feeling vulnerable and just on that edge. Tomorrow will be just a nice day with my husband and I see my therapist on Friday. All those feelings...realizing how young I was when I first felt them...how sad.