PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

Slideshow and nightmares have been of all of these things. Really quite disturbing. Feel like crying, yelling and screaming. Seems like I was always making him angry. Felt like even though, he didn't hit much that I was always afraid that he would hit me.

Also, keep flashing back to the three (my mother, father and his father) of them yelling and my father pushing my mother or to my mother and father arguing on the porch of my grandparents or at our apartment with the screen door between them and to him slapping me with no specific incident attached.

Feels like there are a lot of feelings, but they seem overwhelming and very difficult to identify. It is just even difficult to take in what I wrote. Feels sort of trivial to talk about. Or that no one would believe me. You're [Geoffrey] the only one I've ever told how strict he was and how angry he could get.

I feel like dying now or like I'm going to. I'm also really wanting to cut, bruise and take the medication.

It isn't like abandonment or rejection. It was like I didn't exist to him. He never knew me and I never knew him which was also his choice. Hard to understand. I felt like a thing to him. The whole thing is difficult to comprehend. Makes my head hurt. Feels really overwhelming and makes me panic.

I don't feel safe fingerpainting because it makes the emotions more intense. Right now, I don't feel safe without you being there when I get into this stuff. Last week, I felt safe with you because I could sense you pushing me and pulling back when it seemed too much or when I tried to tell you.

Scared me when I tried to tell you. Scares me how safe I've been feeling with you. Two things, just trusting and that it allows me to talk more freely which ends up in surprising things coming out of my mouth and going to more painful places.