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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, November 14, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued....

When I was older, it got worse and I remember being home alone a lot and sometimes, I would tear up for no apparent reason. Other times, it was because of how I was being treated.

Feels so much like I also need to just talk, but sometimes it seems so repetitive and I make it bad which I do anyway. Feels like I break one of the biggest rules I had which was not to say anything, not to cry, not to make a sound...never to let anyone know.

Now, sometimes, I feel like I just want you to know everything and to share my tears and screams. And to let you know how angry, hurt and scared I was all the time. Then, sometimes, I feel bad that I want you to know. Feels like I'm really doing something wrong. Like with the crying. In my head, I hear, "I'm being dramatic, too sensitive, blowing it up, or making it up."

And another part just wants to scream I'm telling the truth and I've waited a long time for someone to really hear me. Then, I get scared and everything hurts and I want to cry.

Remember ripping my t-shirt up after the Monopoly incident with my step-father where my mother ended up spanking me with the yardstick...feeling so misunderstood, alone and like I didn't matter. I was so angry and hurt because she took his side again...felt so hopeless and knew as long as my step-father was around that it was never going to be any different. She would never hear me.

I remember making superficial cuts on my wrist and hitting my thighs with my fists. Felt so alone and misunderstood most if not all of the time. Sad how difficult real comfort was hard to find. And, now when I have it I try to push away or make it bad when I receive it.

It is like I make everything bad that I wanted or needed even wanting or needing. Even something as simple as a card from my father or to hear my father tell me he loved me. Really hard to realize that he didn't even want me and that he made choices and had intent in what he did as did my mother and step-father. Means I really didn't have any control over what they did to me. Really wanting to cry.

There is just so much pain, anger and fear and other feelings. Feeling overwhelmed and in over my head and absolutely panicked all the time. Sometimes, it seems like I need to share the same stuff over again...really feel like crying and I am glad that you are there to listen and comfort.


Anonymous said...

I believe you.


Anonymous said...

My heart aches when I read your entries on your father. I think we might have had the same one--I used to feel so much the same way. Always wanting his approval and how tough it was when I finally realized that he never wanted me/loved me at all. But we overcome, right?



Clueless said...

@ash. :-) *hugs*

@melinda. I believe we do overcome, but that doesn't mean forgetting and that it doesn't have a little twinge of emotion. For someone, who I knew and saw very little of I sure think that he had a powerful impact. Thank you again.


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