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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, November 17, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~November 25, 2005~Thanksgiving

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving was okay. I enjoyed getting to know the new spouses (new wife and a new husband) better and helping out in the kitchen...she seemed relieved when I arrived because I know how to cook. I got a little angry at my mother. She was much better, but I still had to initiate any interaction even when she arrived and was greeting everyone. However, she didn't cut me off and continued to minimally interact. Still it was tiring. Didn't help that I didn't sleep well.

I got so angry at Grandma. I knew I really didn't want my mother or Grandma to touch me, but Grandma really irritated me when she moved my hair. I only allow or feel safe with a few people touching my face or hair.

Anyway, after we ate and my husband and I went to the couch and he sat there and I laid down resting my head on his leg holding a pillow and was starting to fall asleep. Then, Grandma chose that time to come and ask if I was okay, how have I been and moved my hair. I told her I was fine and shook my head indicating not to continue to touch my hair.

I really wanted to push her hand away. Then, she brought the pies. One pumpkin and a pumpkin chiffon. Now, for forty years, I've always hated pumpkin and seems like I tell her at every gathering. It was made worse because she said she got the chiffon one because it was her favorite. [She has always remembered what everyone else's favorite desserts are, but when it comes to me she can't remember or gets it wrong.]

I think, sometimes I feel like I don't exist to my mother or grandma. And other times, they are intrusive or demanding. Just got really angry. Really feel like crying. Also, the thoughts of cutting and bruising are loud today. So are the thoughts of wanting to die. [At the time, I realized that the anger toward grandma was really for my mother. I was also beginning to realize that their behavior hadn't changed in forty years...that I've always felt like I didn't exist.]

Remember so many holidays. Having such mixed feelings. Looking forward to spending time with some of my family and so anxious about going to my step-father's parents and feeling on guard the whole day as usually some of the bigger arguments would occur between my mother and step-father. The more violent conflicts would occur and then there was having to see his parents.

And everything was so loud as the football games were on every television and my step-father was really loud and everyone would suddenly yell during the game. I also kinda miss Grandpa sitting in front of the television all day and my aunt and I drying and putting away the dishes.

Then, there were the time when my mother would become angry and suddenly take me to my step-father's parents. My step-father usually went there and my mother and I went to my grandparents. Nobody in my family really like my step-father except he was good with my uncle's children. But, every get together was preceded by some huge argument with much of the time my mother ending up yelling and slapping me for not getting ready quick enough. [I was never going to be quick enough.]

Then, there was always the hope that my father would call or send a card. Disappointed every time, yet there was always a part that hoped until I was a teenager. Always feeling like crying because of the disappointment or the arguing. Sometimes, it was just so confusing and a lot of the times my mother seemed angry the whole day no matter what we ended up doing.

Often times, I'd end up sleeping over at my step-father's parents when I really wanted to stay with my grandparents. Felt like I just got yanked back and forth by my mother with no reason...it was confusing and her driving scared me. It was always so tense. Feel really anxious and like crying. Sometimes, I got to stay with my grandparents, but even if that was preplanned, I could still end up at my step-father's parents. I hated it and just wanted to die. Always so much conflict, but the holidays just made it worse.

Comments: At this point in therapy, all of the above was the first time that wrote or spoke of things in this manner. I was also making connections between how my mother and grandmother treated me as a child and that it still occurs despite my saying anything...then, I'm just too sensitive.

I have always started to become really anxious at the beginning of November. This year, since I am not feeling like I want to deal with what is going on inside and with my mother, my husband and I are not going to Thanksgiving with my family. We are going to have a quiet day together. Or maybe, I'll just sleep.

5 comments:

Ash said...

Hooray for not going!

You and your husband can have a wonderful day spending time together. Just you two!!!

That's awesome. I'm glad you are not forcing yourself to do something that would just be stressful. It's not necessary!

April_optimist said...

Wow. Sounds like a family legacy of anxiety. And in that anxiety doing things that upset others without being able to stop themselves. (My mother was scared of my paternal grandmother so she'd often slap me.) Abuse--the gift that keeps on giving....

jumpinginpuddles said...

major holidays are hard to bear but especially the family orientated ones ((((((((((CC))))))))))
we are missing seeing you around on our blogs and others so sending you safe warm thoughts

Tamara (TC) said...

Holidays can be so triggering. I am glad that you have decided to have a quiet Thanksgiving with your husband. I hope that you have a wonderful, relaxing day. No need to subject yourself to stress.

Hugs,
Tamara

Melinda said...

CC--your post brought back so many memories of family holidays--many of which were so unbearable.

How far you have come!

It's so great that you kept all these journal entries. While I have been writing my memoir, my old journals have been invaluable--because they allow us to reflect and self-analyze in a way that would be impossible without them.

Melinda

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