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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part I of IV

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005

I've been feeling like crying on and off all day and yesterday. Keep tearing up. Feeling really tired too. Woke up in a panic at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Felt like I was suffocating and screaming at the same time. Had nightmares and flashbacks all night.

Also, kind of feel panicked about going to seven hours next month especially since this month and next month are so disruptive, in terms of the schedule especially with the holidays. I think, I would feel better if we waited until January, but I know we agreed upon December.

I also think, I'm really anxious about the holidays and Thanksgiving especially since I have not had contact with my mother since May. Really keyed up for how she will be. Makes my stomach hurt. Feeling really anxious and a bit angry.

When you first began using the word "fiction" it felt okay. Now, it seems somewhat discounting. I think I've been making it bad. I guess, I've been feeling bad especially since crying. Partly, because I felt heard, comforted and not alone and safe with you. Somewhere in my head it is bad to feel or even want that. I can hear you saying that that is just fiction which makes me want to go away because it feels discounting and bad. [I am fragmenting which is a defense about how I've been feeling which I will write in tomorrow's entry.]

To be continued...

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