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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up! ~ Part I

[I wrote this yesterday evening after my therapy session. Obviously, I was not in a good place. Just so don't worry. I am not suicidal and I am not going to do anything. I do have an appointment scheduled for today and I plan to read this to him. What you will read is my borderline thinking and fragmenting. And, some I'm not sure what is happening...just that I'm really having a difficult time dealing with stuff in therapy.]


Geoffrey ~

I don’t even know how many phone calls I left, but I’m sorry. I was fragmenting and still am, but it feels like I can’t stop. However, the message that I left when I said I wanted to terminate therapy I wasn’t aware of fragmenting. The drive home was over an hour long and I thought about it and it seemed like a logical conclusion...to terminate.

It seems like I’m taking steps backwards and can’t see to move forward. I’m getting in my own way and can’t seem to stop it. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. And, I just seem to make it worse. I can’t tell you enough of what is going on or what I need, so you can’t help me. I keep doing the same unhelpful things over and over again. Maybe, this is as good as it gets for me. Maybe, we were both wrong in my ability to go further.

I feel really hopeless and alone. I just want to give up. Stop trying because I can’t seem to do the right thing. I feel like I’m never going to change. I’m never going to get better no matter what I do. I think, this week I feel like you gave up on me. I know you were, at least, frustrated which in my head meant that you are going to give up because you don’t know what to do. (I am just now realizing this is what I’ve been thinking.) So, I feel alone in this and since I think you have given up then, it is hopeless.

I know you care and my husband does too. You are two of the reasons that when I’m not fragmenting that I don’t think I would kill myself. I don’t want to hurt either one of you especially my husband. But, when I’m fragmenting nothing matters…I don’t care about how you or my husband would feel. I just know that I want to stop the feelings. I’m angry, empty, suicidal, depressed and hopeless. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep messing things up with you and with therapy. Why keep trying?

4 comments:

Wendy said...

WARNING - GRAPHIC - MAY TRIGGER!!!!!!
Clueless,
I read your post this am. I wanted you to know that it was something that I personally could have written back in March of this year. I suffer from an almost mirror image of your symptoms, sometimes I wonder if we just split off from each other years ago and haven't had time to meet!
In March, I was in the same place, I had been working with a wonderful, wonderful therapist that I have villafied as the source and problem of my stagnation - in one horrible phone call, I terminated therapy. This wonderful therapist didn't play games, he cut me off, and has refused to talk to me since. It has been probably more horrifying that any abuse, any pain I have personally inflicted on myself, or anyone else has inflicted on me, it was an act that almost just put the foot on my ass and pushed me over the edge of no return. I have been suicidal since I was 6 - due to horrifying, sadistic sexual abuse from my father - ignorance from my mother - and continued abondoment through out my life and here the key to my survival - has taken my phychotic episode to believe my words and done what I asked - terminated me. I was seeing a member of his staff, another PhD for EMDR - she called me the next night and asked me to meet her at their office. Clue - she saved my life. She has seen me since, she has demanded that I take control and LEARN how to save myself. She has wept with me, held me until I had nothing left, she has left her own life at times to keep me alive - she has shown me so much compassion, that I try everyday to emulate that compassion for myself.
You are NOT alone. Please remember that although Geoffrey may be the one who has feed you for all these years, it may not stop him from finally saying "ok" to your request. Be careful, be very sure, be easy on yourself and give yourself a chance. Don't terminate unless you have someone else to help you. Even though you may not be getting anything from Geoffrey at this time, his presence may be enough to save you until you can make a transition.
Clue - I lost my 20 year old son to suicide. There are no words to express the terror and pain he left all of us, the feelings that he just said "fuck you" to life, to us and to everyone who loved him. Everyone who loved him and would have done ANYTHING in life to help him - and he didn't give us a chance. He knew we would have moved heaven and earth to help him and he turned his back on all of us. He was in so much pain, but never told us - or told us why.
DON'T DO THAT TO THE ONES WHO TRULY LOVE YOU AND HAVE PROVEN THAT THEY WILL STAND BY YOU NO MATTER WHAT. If nothing else, keep yourself ALIVE for them.

visit my son at: http://caleb-joseph-mcintosh.memory-of.com
You can reach me through that website if you need. Reach out to help. You can survive this. I have faith in you!!!
I know that you put on your post that you were not suicidal, but suicide is such a impulsive act, that when someone is in the place you are not, words are hard to come by that ensure it won't happen.
Wendy

Clueless said...

@Wendy. Thank you for sharing so personally. I'm not sure I'm stagnant as much as I don't want to deal with what is going on inside. If I ever stopped with Geoffrey, I wouldn't see anyone else. I am not blaming him. I'm just feeling really hopeless and know that this is part of the process and I'm defending every step of the way.

I am sorry about your son. Yes, suicide is an impulsive act. I seem to know when I need help. I've sort of hospitalized myself twice.

Thank you. I really appreciate you reaching out.

CC

Ash said...

*hugs*
CC, you're not alone, and you WILL get past this. Don't give up, and don't stop moving forward.

I know it feels like a step backwards, but really it's not.

You will overcome and you will conquer. Of this, I'm sure!

Melinda said...

CC--even when you feel hopeless, you must hang on--because it is going to get better--I promise you that. I think you read my post where I talked about trying to commit suicide one weekend--I tried three times, all serious attempts. I was rescued by the upstairs neighbor who called 911. If he had not found me in time, I would have been dead. Of course, that was what I thought I wanted at that time--but please believe me. I am SO grateful that I was given a second chance. Even when things look so hopeless, life can and will turn itself around, particularly when you are working hard to make sure that happens, as you are doing.

You are courageous and strong--keep forging ahead, CC--the rewards will be enormous.

Take care, dear friend--have a wonderful T-Day and know that you have a real friend in me and that you should talk to me any time. I'll email you my phone number so you should feel free to call me anytime. I'm here for you!

Melinda

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