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A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
[I wrote this yesterday evening after my therapy session. Obviously, I was not in a good place. Just so don't worry. I am not suicidal and I am not going to do anything. I do have an appointment scheduled for today and I plan to read this to him. What you will read is my borderline thinking and fragmenting. And, some I'm not sure what is happening...just that I'm really having a difficult time dealing with stuff in therapy.]
Geoffrey ~
I don’t even know how many phone calls I left, but I’m sorry. I was fragmenting and still am, but it feels like I can’t stop. However, the message that I left when I said I wanted to terminate therapy I wasn’t aware of fragmenting. The drive home was over an hour long and I thought about it and it seemed like a logical conclusion...to terminate.
It seems like I’m taking steps backwards and can’t see to move forward. I’m getting in my own way and can’t seem to stop it. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. And, I just seem to make it worse. I can’t tell you enough of what is going on or what I need, so you can’t help me. I keep doing the same unhelpful things over and over again. Maybe, this is as good as it gets for me. Maybe, we were both wrong in my ability to go further.
I feel really hopeless and alone. I just want to give up. Stop trying because I can’t seem to do the right thing. I feel like I’m never going to change. I’m never going to get better no matter what I do. I think, this week I feel like you gave up on me. I know you were, at least, frustrated which in my head meant that you are going to give up because you don’t know what to do. (I am just now realizing this is what I’ve been thinking.) So, I feel alone in this and since I think you have given up then, it is hopeless.
I know you care and my husband does too. You are two of the reasons that when I’m not fragmenting that I don’t think I would kill myself. I don’t want to hurt either one of you especially my husband. But, when I’m fragmenting nothing matters…I don’t care about how you or my husband would feel. I just know that I want to stop the feelings. I’m angry, empty, suicidal, depressed and hopeless. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep messing things up with you and with therapy. Why keep trying?
