Borderline Personality Disorder ~ What is Emptiness?

DSM-IV-TR criteria 7 for Borderline Personality Disorder:
chronic feelings of emptiness.

What does emptiness feel like? It is described by professionals as boredom, loneliness, social alienation and apathy.  I find these definitions lacking the proper words to describe what emptiness feels like to me.  It is actually difficult to describe, but is related to self- identity difficulties.

This is very simplified. But, what is supposed to happen when you are a young child is that the primary caretaker responds to a child's needs and mirrors back the child's feelings in an appropriate manner which includes love and comfort.  As for myself, I was responded to with abandonment, aggression, abuse or ambivalence.  So, the message I received basically was hostile or abandoning which is what I do now.  I'm either full of self-hatred and/or abandon my needs.

With abandonment, as a child I am left to feel empty inside...someone please tell me who I am.  Yet, it isn't the same feeling as abandonment.  I feel like there is nothing inside of me just a hole in my gut and heart.  Like a hole in my soul. A hollowness. Distressful.

Yet, it does not seem void of feeling.  If I allow myself to feel it, it is extremely painful.  But, very difficult to describe. I do know that the words above do not fit, at all.  I am not bored, lonely, feel isolated or apathy inside. I can feel empty in a room full of people and can even be engaging with others.

As a Christian, it isn't the "God shaped hole" for Him to fill...I already know that emptiness.  Despite what other Christians think, it isn't about just letting God fill it.  It doesn't happen that way with everything. I know that the majority of it is filled with self-hatred and self-destructive.  As those layers are given up or healed in my life, my emptiness feels more real.

If I allow myself to feel empty, I feel like I'm going to die. Maybe, it is that hole that was supposed to be filled with love, comfort and care.  If that is the case and I never received it on any consistent basis than I am truly left with a hole that needs to be filled with love, comfort and care.  This time, not from the outside but within which means I need to provide this for myself.  This is what God does provide and is an example of.  It is difficult to learn how to do this for myself.

The alternative for many people including myself often leads to numerous addictions in an attempt to fill the emptiness. Addictions to eating disorders, alcohol, drugs, television, shopping, sex, busyness, work, gambling, self-injury and falling in love  are all used to fill the emptiness or to distract us from the pain.  But, they don't work...you just end up needing more to fill the emptiness again and again...they become true addictions.

So, the question remains what does emptiness feel like?  What are your thoughts, feelings and experiences?

Emptiness I Can't Avoid Anymore

Fragmenting, tearful, agitated, defending with everything I have...all to avoid an emptiness that I thought I could hide away forever.

But, it is here...emptiness that hurts all the way to the deepest depths of my soul. A pain that has always been there, but the goal was to hide it away from even me.

But, it is here...emptiness that makes me nauseated, that hurts from the hair on my head to the tips of my toes.

Emptiness that can't be consoled, and that should have been filled by her (but, she didn't). Which I turned into deep self-hatred because I thought it was my fault.

Both emptiness and self-hatred make me want to just go away and not come back...too much pain and too many tears.

“I don’t exist” ~ Emptiness

I want to say that I’m doing much better and that I feel great, but that would be a fantasy. My therapist suggested that blogging would help lower the intensity of my feelings. I didn’t intend to talk about my mother for the the whole session. I’m having a really difficult time writing this like in the session I kept dissociating to where I missed whole parts of what Geoffrey said to me. I keep feeling like I’m trying to do the same writing this.

It started with talking about not going to Thanksgiving and everyone in my family calling or emailing me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and that they hope I feel well enough to come to Christmas. Everyone, except my mother. Now, I know it isn’t realistic to have her call and I know that I could have called, but I only wanted to speak with her if she was going to be nice. Chances are she wouldn’t be. After a long time of going around making a direct statement I admitted that I was disappointed.

Then, next thing I know we are talking about feeling like I’m unwanted, I don’t exist, am unimportant and don’t matter to her. That being how I’ve felt my whole life and her actions match. So, Thanksgiving kicked all that up again which is also why That Monday is not processed yet. Then, to admit that I really wanted to feel wanted by her or that I existed by her my whole life just led me to tears.

Also, that emptiness. An all to familiar emptiness that feels like my whole body aches with hollowness. Hollow because I don’t exist. I’ve never really existed to her except for when she needed me, but then I was just a projection which to me means I existed even less. Words cannot adequately describe the pain. And, I can’t find the words to describe my pain. Hollow, non-existent fits. But, not quite. Still those aren’t even feelings.

I know that I just really hurt right now and so want to fill the whole up with shopping. I wish I could afford to do more than just Christmas shopping. Anyway, my pain is intense and I can’t seem to explain it. But, it is pain where I want to curl up in a corner and die. And, feeling really hopeless. I'm feel like I'm rambling. I feel disorganized.