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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Emptiness I Can't Avoid Anymore

Fragmenting, tearful, agitated, defending with everything I have...all to avoid an emptiness that I thought I could hide away forever.

But, it is here...emptiness that hurts all the way to the deepest depths of my soul. A pain that has always been there, but the goal was to hide it away from even me.

But, it is here...emptiness that makes me nauseated, that hurts from the hair on my head to the tips of my toes.

Emptiness that can't be consoled, and that should have been filled by her (but, she didn't). Which I turned into deep self-hatred because I thought it was my fault.

Both emptiness and self-hatred make me want to just go away and not come back...too much pain and too many tears.

10 comments:

GirlBlue said...

don't know what to say, this touched me so much.

Hugs

Scraps said...

((((HUGS))))

Clueless said...

GirlBlue,
It is so good to hear from you. I'm glad that this touched you...even if it painful, almost all of us have this place that is hard to work through or acknowledge.
CC

((((Scraps))))
Thank you. That feel good!!!

Just Be Real said...

Emptiness is hard. Feels like you are hollow. ((((safe hugs))))

jeff said...

i know this place. it drops in on me uninvited. and i must when it comes, allow myself to experience it and weep. I grab my bible, even though I can barely open it, and i take a sketch book and pen, even though i cant draw a thing, And i lay down in God's lap and wonder, is this how you feel? Is this closeness to God's heart we feel? And then I wait, for it to pass. I dont pray it gone anymore. I just weep and sing. and then i fall asleep. and then i let my life go. and trust in the only One i can to see me through it.

tonight, i pray this would be your truth cc. much love friend.

Eva Marie said...

I remember that pain, and emotion well. It's one of the toughest barriers to get through when grieving whatever it is that caused it, and the loss.

But when you do allow yourself to get through it...you love yourself even more for where you've been.

Borderline Lil said...

That chronic BPD emptiness is so hard to describe, you do it well CC. I wish I knew how to fill it. I think hugs help (((CC))) xx

Melinda said...

CC--I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. Your poem touched me deeply.

Here's a (((((hug)))) for you.

Take care, friend--

Melinda

Kneeling Warrior said...

keep looking from the darkness of night, to the impending dawn...It comes as surely as God's promises.
Hang tightly to His hand! He will not lead you wrong.

Immi said...

Sending you 8hugs* CC

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