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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Another Hospitalization?

There has been a lot of stress in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christamas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hosp yet and have 7 day hosp for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well, as of Thursday has 24 hour awake hospice nurse in home.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing.

On Friday, my therapist brought up the idea of hospitalization as is increasingly difficult to find and use my coping skills. However, I am trying to keep it together for my husband as I think his father is going to decline much more rapidly than expected and I want to be there for him.

Also, the hospital that I would go to is no longer a preferred provided as of 4/1/09. The copay is 40% and I really can't go anywhere else. I'm just so confused and don't know what I need or what to do. Maybe, I just needed to say that. Thanks for listening.


Mike Golch said...

Any time you need a shoulder,I'm here.I can relate to what you are going through.even if I do not post a lot about some of the things going on,Hang in there.Just remember your friends live in your computer jst as mine do.

Ana said...

(((((((((( CC )))))))))

Anyone with all this problems would be under a lot of stress.
I believe it's quite normal you are feeling insecure.
You'll be on my prayers.
Try not to fear.

Laura said...

((((CC)))) Sorry that things are so rough for you at the moment. Hang in there and just take one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

Hey CC, I know I haven't been around your blog much of late, but I've been in a crazy little depression world of my own.

I'm so sorry you're still having a hard time. Its rough - with your pneumonia and then your father-in-law being so unwell.

You know, if you really need hospitalization again, it might be the best thing you can do for both yourself and your husband.

I hope it doesn't come to that though, as I know you are strong. I am sending you my best. xx

jeff said...

listening and praying CC. Jude 1:24 (niv)

Queen Of Relationships said...

I'm sorry you are not feeling well. I hope things start to look up! :)

Anonymous said...

You have been through alot in the past 6 months. I don't have any advice for you - but want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I enjoy reading your blog and have been through some similar experiences as a survivor of CSA.

Take care of yourself!

Ethereal Highway said...

{{{{Hugs to you}}}}

For what it's worth, I had been a terrible mess for more than a year when my husband needed a surgery. I knew he needed me and it helped me get myself together a bit. Maybe this will happen with you, too, and you will be able to be there for him? I hope you won't lose hope for yourself. I wish you the best.

Ana said...

I have an award for you.

Just to remind you that I'm here.
Take it whenever you want.

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