It started with talking about not going to Thanksgiving and everyone in my family calling or emailing me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and that they hope I feel well enough to come to Christmas. Everyone, except my mother. Now, I know it isn’t realistic to have her call and I know that I could have called, but I only wanted to speak with her if she was going to be nice. Chances are she wouldn’t be. After a long time of going around making a direct statement I admitted that I was disappointed.
Then, next thing I know we are talking about feeling like I’m unwanted, I don’t exist, am unimportant and don’t matter to her. That being how I’ve felt my whole life and her actions match. So, Thanksgiving kicked all that up again which is also why That Monday is not processed yet. Then, to admit that I really wanted to feel wanted by her or that I existed by her my whole life just led me to tears.
Also, that emptiness. An all to familiar emptiness that feels like my whole body aches with hollowness. Hollow because I don’t exist. I’ve never really existed to her except for when she needed me, but then I was just a projection which to me means I existed even less. Words cannot adequately describe the pain. And, I can’t find the words to describe my pain. Hollow, non-existent fits. But, not quite. Still those aren’t even feelings.
I know that I just really hurt right now and so want to fill the whole up with shopping. I wish I could afford to do more than just Christmas shopping. Anyway, my pain is intense and I can’t seem to explain it. But, it is pain where I want to curl up in a corner and die. And, feeling really hopeless. I'm feel like I'm rambling. I feel disorganized.