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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Poem: "A Child's Cry" ~ December 20, 1993

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.
1993 clinically clueless

6 comments:

April_optimist said...

Huge (((hugs)))! Your pain comes across so clearly in the poem. And it reminds me of how I once felt. Don't know if it will help, but one turning point for me was when I decided I was going to live long enough to be happy--to know what that was like. You deserved to be loved and cherished and protected a child! You deserve the chance to be happy and appreciated. You are and always have been a beautiful soul.

jumpinginpuddles said...

very powerful thanks for putting this up

Mary said...

What a strong poem. Reminds me of how feel right now also...The pain you feel is so real, but it will get better for both of us, we have to keep fighting no matter how bad it gets., we can't let it win..take care..Mary

P.J. said...

Oh my gosh, CC. That is beautiful! I love how things turn around and that you can see our true Father, the one who really cares. I never had a dad growing up, he left when he found out my mom was pregnant. He wanted her to have an abortion. Anyway, the way you write about our heavenly Father at the end is how I am learning to see Him. I loved it.

Clueless said...

I think that the Holy Spirit wrote that for me. I've only written five poems in my life and the four I've posted were really easy to write and seemed to write themselves. It was like I had to write them and the fifth is a private one to my husband to be at the time.

Thanks you...I too like the way that all of my poems turn around to God.

Dieula said...

You are a great woman of God and I believe that if the Lord allowed you to be a live that means he has a plan for you. Therefore, keep focus in the Lord Jesus Christ, and believe me you will be surprise how much more he can do in your life. The Lord is not finished with you yet.

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