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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Poem: "Giving up" ~ December 1, 1991

When I began this blog, about a month ago, no one knew I was here. But, I was posting and looking around. Now, I actually have people that follow me. Well, I started off posting four of the five poems that I've ever written. The fifth will probably never be posted as it was a special gift to my husband. I was inspired to write the poems and haven't had that since, so who knows if I'll write another poem. But, since no one probably read them, I thought that this week I'd repost a few. (No, I'm not trying to get out of writing a post...I have three years of material just at this time and it grows each day). I've never really shared these before, so again I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it is very raw to me even though they are about 17 years old.

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head
I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,
But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car
But, I've come too far

To throw it all away
I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away
I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief
God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die
Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand
How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well
It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure
Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry
When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up
Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me
Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near
When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms
But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace
That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in
But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand
And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now
I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle
Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do
But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside
Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move
I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together
(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You
Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me
This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick
I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide
I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care
Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release
When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn
Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose
Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars
I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight
Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live
I want to be able to give

I love You so much
Even when I want to give up
1991 clinicallyclueless


Tory said...

So sad and beautiful. It breaks my heart to read it mostly because it was written from a hurting heart. I would say to that 17 year old girl, God will never leave you or give up on you. Stay close to Him.

Clueless said...

Thank you Tory, but I was in my mid 20s when I wrote them. I'd like to turn the clock back a few years body wise though.

Scrappy Raven said...

Very truthful and beautiful.God has always kept me going whether I liked it or not.

Clueless said...

Thank you. God has made all the difference in my life.

Katie's Blog said...

I love your poem. You are so talented and a great writer. You express exactly what you're feeling. It made me sad to read, but it helps me and I am sure others feel not so alone.

Thanks for your comments on my blog to "bessie". I have been deleting them because she says something almost every day. I can't figure out how to block her and I really didn't want to have to reset my comments for approval but I guess if she keeps it up I will.

Clueless said...

Thank you! I think that you are a great writer.

Bessie obviously has problems. Probably, if you keep deleting her or moderate comments for a while she will go away. However, I probably did the exact opposite by engaging her nonsense. But, I was just so angry and didn't want you to have to deal with her. I'll see if there is a way to block comments too. You are welcome. Take care.

Katie's Blog said...

Thanks. :) If you figure it out, lemme know, if you wouldn't mind. I can see how to block anonymous comments but I am not sure it would stop her.


Deb said...

I know these words all too well. I've been there many times in my life. (And yes, I've read your disclaimer, I'm in a better place.) The only thing that helped me pull out of my depression and thoughts of suicide was praying to God. At first, I got angry because I felt as though He wasn't listening to me; my prayers weren't getting answered. Then, as I tried again, two doves landed about 2 feet away from me while sitting out on my deck. In my previous prayer, I asked Him to send me a dove 'as a sign' that he heard me. He did more than enough 2 days later. Not sure what that meant - but to me, He was there listening to every word.

I snapped out of my depression and had hope again. Little things like that, right?

People have to understand that whatever they're going through, as large as it may appear, is so insignificant in the whole scheme of things. God has better things in store for us, we just have to be patient and tolerant with things that get thrown into the mix of our lives.

I'm glad I found your site. I can totally relate in the past tense of my experience with this.

Hope you're doing well!

Clueless said...

@Deb. I am happy for you that your depression was lifted by prayer. I believe that God can heal instantaneously, but in my situation he has chosen for me to receive healing from many sources. Also, thinking that my problems were insignificant or small in the whole scheme of things is what makes my depression worse...I need to deal with the reality of what happened to me and work it through. This helps me to lift my depression. Thank you for coming back to visit.

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