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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Past Journal Entry: July 1, 2005

Geoffrey,

...the last several days that I've bruised myself has been pretty bad. It has been quite intense with trying to really hurt myself and really inflict pain. Sometimes, I've hit hard enought to cause me to tear up and I just continue. The bruises are deep and cover a large arrea, from the back of the middle of my thigh to the top of my buttocks. The last several days that I've done it, each time I've hit myself at least 300 times or more. [Which means the day that I had three instance, I hit at least 900 times.] It hurts to sit and to put my underwear and pants on. Even hurts to lay down to sleep. I really want to stop and somtimes I am afraid I can't. Do you really understand that I have been trying to stop? [Realize now that this is how badly I was beaten at times].

I guess part of what I'm trying to tell you and me is that I'm tired of trying sometimes. That I really feel bad like I have to be punished. That I need to apologize for existing. That I'm really scared and am in much pain. That I really feel out of control. That this is how I used to cope and I am really ashamed of it. Sometimes, I wonder if you understand how really bad I feel. I wonder if you understand how long I've been hurting myself. When you said that it is common, I felt a little discounted. Like, lots of kids do this, so I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Somethimes, it feels like when I hit myself or cut that I'm angry with me...that I really hate myself. So much rattles around in my head...it is really busy in there. So much has always gone on inside. Feels strange to write and to share it. Also, feels good to be able to do so and have you just be there to listen. But also really scares me. Feels out of control. I really want your help to get through this and I'm scared you will go away.

I really feel like crying and just want to die. I think I'm needing a little comfort, reassurance and encouragement from you. Sometimes, I really think it would not matter if I died. I guess, I'm feeling really hopeless and discouraged. Thinking of making purchases. Really wanting to bruise.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair





Observations: Borderline thinking all over the place and fragmenting. I think that it terrified me that I was trusting him at a new level and that I was out of control with the brusing and a part of me did not want to stop. Feeling really ashamed. There are some pre-emptive strikes such as he will go away instead of I'm going to push him away or that he will not want to work with me if I tell him what is going on.

Currently, I'm really ashamed of what I did and how badly. I'm afraid what people will think when they read it. I feel ashamed, but the whole purpose of this blog was to keep it truthful. Why do I need to keep my word on that? I don't really want to have revealed the extent and details of some of my self-injury, but I did. That means I wanted to, but the consequence of wanting to die and just delete this whole blog means that I am fragmenting. Nonetheless, I am so ashamed and want to hide and just go away. Why would someone...how could I?

I feel so raw and vulnerable right now. Should I have...I needed to...no one other than Geoffrey knows...no one, but him until now. It is too bad no one will want to visit anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself. I also feel relieved...I told...now, I'm terrified and ashamed. I want to die and really want to cut. I remember how soothing it was to cut. I rarely felt the pain once I got started only afterward and just to see and feel my own blood and the warmth of it against my skin. But, it was only temporary...I'd end up back here again wanting to die and feeling ashamed. Why is telling the truth so difficult, not just telling it, but the feelings afterward.

14 comments:

Bradley said...

One reason you shouldn't just stop your blog and go away is because of me and many others. I never have understood cutting until I began reading your story and others in the blogosphere.

Big bear hugs,

Bradley

Clueless said...

Thank you. It gets complicated, but I'm glad that you are gaining a better understanding. Thanks for the bear hugs.
*hugs* back...I don't think I can be a bear...maybe a cub.

Tamara said...

Clueless,

I value your bravery in sharing the truth. You were instrumental in giving me the courage to share my truth with friends when I discovered the repressed SA memories. It is very, very difficult and frightening to trust others with such sensitive thoughts and feelings. I feel you should be very proud of yourself for not acting on the impulse to shut down your blog. If you did, it would be a huge loss to the survivor community.

I can't imagine that anyone who truly cares about you thinks any less of you for wanting to SI. We understand it is your reaction to the enormous pain inside. The people who caused this pain are the ones that should be ashamed. You have NOTHING to be ashamed about.

I am so happy for you that you are staying strong and not injuring yourself. Lots of hugs (if they are safe right now).

Sending you strength,
Tamara

Mary said...

Clueless dont ever quit writing your blog. I can relate to you, not by cutting but by taking pills, which I sometimes still do, I understand and feel the same way u do..hugss Mary

Clueless said...

@Tamara. I feel good knowing that I helped you and I am proud that I haven't given into the urges. But, what I am ashamed about is what I did with hitting myself and to the extent that my self-injury went.

@Mary. Thank you. Shutting down the blog was my borderlineville reaction. No I will not shut it down.

Jennifer said...

I know it is hard to reveal these things, to expose your secrets, but I think keeping the cutting/bruising in the open will bring you more support (and perhaps keep further cutting at bay). I agree, it is nothing to be ashamed of -- it seems to be a way of dealing with overwhelming, conflicting feelings, an outlet that has provided some relief in the past, albeit a a painful kind of relief.

(((((HUGS))))) x 10.

Jennifer

Clueless said...

@Jennifer. Thank you and for the hugs. Those are really good. *hugging back*

Clueless

P.J. said...

I consider you incredibly brave, and I have a lot of respect for you. Sharing things I am ashamed of is very difficult for me, but the release afterward is amazing.

Continue to share and get support from us, your readers. We are choosing to read, we are not forced. All those who keep coming back and commenting obviously really care about you and your feelings.

Tracy said...

You are very brave and very courageous. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, and i know that it is hard to truly believe that. Know though that it takes courage to write it all out, to display it for the world to see. It also will be healing for you. I myself found that out. Another thing that happened for me was growth, and confidence in me. I then was able to take the posts down that i had posted, it was freeing truthfully. I was ok removing all the pain because it was a sign of me moving forward, and living my life in the here in now.

This is why your posting is so positive. You are healing, even if you do not feel it, you are growing spiritually even if you can not see or feel that, and you are gaining strength, that one day will just appear out of know where in your eyes.

Keep posting, keep healing, and keep growing.

Hugssssss and blessings sent your way.

Clueless said...

@p.j. Thanks for reminding me that you guys choose to be here and comment.

@tracy. Thank you too for the reminded. I know I'm growing and healing, but it sure sucks.

austin said...

this comment here is rather detached and I apologize for that. I just wanted to say that your colour code is very similar to mine.

There is so much emotion in your work, no wonder you're overwhelmed and feel beaten down.

we wish you peace of mind,
Austin

Clueless said...

Austin,

No need to apologize. Thank you for just visiting and for the comments on my paintings. They are hard to look at again. That is why I stopped commenting for awhile. I have enough going on.

Take Care,
Coleen

Ash said...

Hi Sweetie!!

Much love and respect your way.

Many of us have less than ideal coping mechanisms. All of us having them doesn't make them good or right, but I think that I can empathize and understand that this was what you were taught-- and I feel like you addressing them makes them have less power over you.

You will get through this! We will walk with you!

Clueless said...

Ash, thank you again. It feels good not to be alone.

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