Clinically Clueless: June 18, 2005 ~ Fingerpaints

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

June 18, 2005 ~ Fingerpaints

These fingerpaintings were completed during the time of my last past journal entry of June 17/18, 2005 when my suicidal thoughts and my self-injury was/had spun out of control. Emotionally, it was a very turbulant time with lots of mixed emotions seeming to pull me in so many different directions. I wish that you could see the brightness of the colors, the movement and texture.

My fingerpaintings are abstract which also means there is no right or wrong answer in what they mean. For me, I can tell at the time what I am feeling, but today it may be different. Either way it is a way for me to express myself without harming myself. So, what you see is probably about yourself or something in me in which you identify. I hope that you see what is important to you and not my interpretation or meaning. Although, some are able to step back and look at it through my eyes.

General Color Code:

Red=pain/anger

Orange=rage

Purple=terror/fear

Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears
Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

This one feels like there is deep sadness at the core fully enclosed by rotaing pain and then there is a lot of terror moving and surrounding with hopelessness closing in.

I don't name my paintings, but this one reminds me of a hurricane and I think "Eye of the Storm." I'm in eye where it is calm and I can just be which means a tremendous amout of sadness and hopelessness surrounded by constanly moving pain, emptiness and terror.

That lavender hopeless blob, I think is me, with surrounded by tears and little bit of terror and pain (orange color is red). Then, if scared me so I crossed myself out with the terror and the pain...to not exist. Sadness and rage scare me, so when I see it in my paintings it really agitates me...got to get rid of it.

First of all, I hate pink so why I have this pink blob, which is probably me, in the middle makes no sense. What does make sense about it is my struggle with being female. Then, the whole picture is sad and tearful with bits of sadness, rage, pain, terror all over the tears. All feeling can move one to tears. Now, I feel a bit disturbed by this.