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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Entry: June 17/18, 2005 ~ 9pm/3pm (continued)

I still feel like I'm trying to tell you something, but don't know what...like when you ask what I need...sometimes, I really don't know or when you ask what I'm feeling...it is like I don't have access to it or the words to explain it.

With the bruising, I feel like once I started that I gave up trying not to. Sometimes, it just feels like I can't inflict enough pain on my body whether it be bruising or cutting, at least, I haven't started to burn myself, not that the thoughts are not there. It may start by trying to numb out. But, sometimes, not all of the time, it feels like it goes into really trying to hurt myself. Felt like that some today. Also, helped to reduce my anxiety and my feeling bad. But, in the end it only increases everything.

I just left you a message asking you to call me. Feels like if I don't touch base and make sure that you are okay with me and not angry, that my anxiety will prevent me from coming tomorrow. Again, I'm afraid to see or even talk to you. Feels like it might be that I would cancel or drive out there and sit in my car. Feeling buzzy and my hands are tingly.

Wanting to act out is even stronger and the suicidal thoughts are louder. I just want to die...disappear forever. Feels like I just need to cry.

Want to call back and tell you not to call...don't feel like talking. Just feel bad, but just hearing your voice reassuring me seems like it would help...reassurance? That I'm okay, that you are okay with me and aren't going anywhere and are going to help me and are not angry with me. Still I want to call back.

Observation: I was out of control with everything and fragmenting everywhere. I was not able to access any reasoning only reacting to my feeling and urges. Bruising badly and a lot...I had lost control and it had become addictive. I was embarrassed to tell him. I had never told anyone before. Come to think of it this blog is only the second place that I have put it out there.

My reaction to adding the repressed memories section on my sidebar and talking about some of the abuse just a few days ago is just the same as it was during this period only I have access to reasoning and medications are helping more. I was really in trouble with the acting out and with the suicidal thoughts. The bruising was really scaring me as it started out with trying to numb out, then became like I was punishing myself and couldn't hit hard enough...felt like I wanted to break bones. I was really angry at myself.

6 comments:

MYSTI said...

I understand and relate with how hard this is for you in going back and talking about all of the pain that occurred in your life. Even though you now have been able to look back and "see" with new eyes at what happened, and rationally can see what occurred in all of it, the emotions are what overwhelms the spirit and soul. When that hits, you need to allow yourself alone time sitting with God. Go somewhere where you feel his presense, and quietly let him hold and comfort you. I started painting during my healing time. I had never picked up a paint brush before in my life. Never even thought to do so. Had no way of knowing that painting would sooth my soul as it does. One can express ones pain on canvas with out having to talk. It is why i know with out a doubt that this gift of painting i have is God given.

Another thing i did was go to the ocean. I am fortunate to be able to live close to the ocean. I tend to pick times when i know no one is around, and i just go and sit and walk with God. All the senses are used when one goes to the ocean. Sight, touch, smell, sounds, and even taste is used. One can taste the salt when they breath in. I always came back feeling like my soul was touched by God.

These things were essential to my healing. Therapy helped yes, and I appreciate all the help people gave me, but..... God was my turning point. He was able to sooth me, and truly take away all the pain and heartache i had, and replace those things with love, and hope.

Blessings Clueless, I am praying for you, that this time of healing might lead you down a path one full of hope, love and peace.

Katie's Blog said...

I can understand all of this. I don't feel this intense with my current T but my former T I saw for 8 months was Stephanie and she was constantly threatening to abandon me. In so many words. "If you cut I won't see you anymore" and in my mind that always translated to ANYTHING I did was a reason for her to dump me. In the end, she dumped me...but you know, I look back now and see how much better I am and how for the best it was because her threats and accusations were killing me. With my T now, she gave me her cell and if I need to call her at anytime I can. I can call her up and talk for 2 minutes and it'll improve my whole day.

Shiv said...

I'd just like to say that your blog is a special place. The issues you are facing here must make this incredibly difficult for you, but I hope the way you are looking back on your part with new wisdom and hindsight is as educational for you as it is for us. You bring your readers along the journey with you, and we are glad for it and hope to support you where we can.
~Shiv

Clueless said...

@ mysti ~ Even though the things, I've been writing are three years old, it is helpful for me to look back on how far I've come and how much more I am able to talk about these issues. It is still painful because I'm writing about stuff that has not seen light much.

To me that means intimacy with anyone including God. I've been a Christian a long time. I feel like now he is carrying me (footprints poem). But, actually being quiet with myself or with God makes me mindful of what is really going on, so I don't do it. However, I am doing something that I haven't been able to do is listen to Christian songs which I have now incorporated into my blog on Sundays...that was difficult for me. So I am getting closer. With my symptoms, I have not been able to attend church for five years, but my pastor who I have known for more than 20 years, I meet with, pray with and take communion with him. In time, I'll do more, but I don't feel guilty because I know that God understands.

@Katie ~ yes, the relationship is intense and I do rely on him especially during that period in my life. And with my borderline thinking I took what he said and made it into a big deal when he was not saying he was going to abandon me...it is always my fear though.

@Shiv ~ thank you! It is tough looking at my childhood past, three years ago past and how it relates to today. Many different levels of thinking and emotions. Also, know what I still need to talk about. I'm glad I can help others as I help myself, but it is scary and vulnerable. I really, really appreciate the support. I hope people realize that what I''m writing was three years ago and now I can step back and I feel better, well most of the time. I want it to also give hope to others who maybe exactly where I was. Thanks for being part of my support...I could not do this blog if it were not for the support.

Alicia said...

Mysti,
Thanks for your comment. I love how you said to go where you can be alone, to where it is quiet and you can pour your soul out to God. I talk to Him like an old friend and hold nothing back. Sometimes the circumstances around me don't change but I always feel strengthened, my heart is comforted and He always helps me see where I once was blind.

P.J. said...

I understand the whole calling someone, them not being there, telling them to call back, and then wishing I hadn't done that. I feel so guilty, then I dread them calling me back. I have to talk "in the moment" or not at all. It's sometimes better that I don't talk at first urge... I've wanted to say some horrible things to nice people. If they are not there when I call, and I have time to process whatever I was feeling, I am usually glad they weren't there. Does any of that even make sense??!!

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