With the bruising, I feel like once I started that I gave up trying not to. Sometimes, it just feels like I can't inflict enough pain on my body whether it be bruising or cutting, at least, I haven't started to burn myself, not that the thoughts are not there. It may start by trying to numb out. But, sometimes, not all of the time, it feels like it goes into really trying to hurt myself. Felt like that some today. Also, helped to reduce my anxiety and my feeling bad. But, in the end it only increases everything.
I just left you a message asking you to call me. Feels like if I don't touch base and make sure that you are okay with me and not angry, that my anxiety will prevent me from coming tomorrow. Again, I'm afraid to see or even talk to you. Feels like it might be that I would cancel or drive out there and sit in my car. Feeling buzzy and my hands are tingly.
Want to call back and tell you not to call...don't feel like talking. Just feel bad, but just hearing your voice reassuring me seems like it would help...reassurance? That I'm okay, that you are okay with me and aren't going anywhere and are going to help me and are not angry with me. Still I want to call back.
Observation: I was out of control with everything and fragmenting everywhere. I was not able to access any reasoning only reacting to my feeling and urges. Bruising badly and a lot...I had lost control and it had become addictive. I was embarrassed to tell him. I had never told anyone before. Come to think of it this blog is only the second place that I have put it out there.
My reaction to adding the repressed memories section on my sidebar and talking about some of the abuse just a few days ago is just the same as it was during this period only I have access to reasoning and medications are helping more. I was really in trouble with the acting out and with the suicidal thoughts. The bruising was really scaring me as it started out with trying to numb out, then became like I was punishing myself and couldn't hit hard enough...felt like I wanted to break bones. I was really angry at myself.