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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Current Update ~ My Truth ~ My Childhood in a Cult~Part I

I don't even know how to begin explaining the whole thing, but my step-father's family was part of a cult which is how I think my mother and him met through his mother who was a type of leader. Well, I've been talking about it in therapy for the first time and this is what is also increasing the suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges along with touching upon my anger with my mother. These two are related. I just wanted to put things a little bit into more context. I can't tell you directly, but I can post a Wordle. Please respond because if you don't I think that it was too much and that I need to die because I've been a burden. I know that I'm fragmenting, but my mind is all over the place between what I've revealed on the blog and mostly what is going on in therapy. I'm really sensitive right now...and angry and sad. Sometimes, my life does not sound believable.


Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.

23 comments:

Tory said...

Do not be ashamed. This was not your fault. You can be yourself here. It's safe and we won't judge you, because you are so brave to write your thoughts. May God give you some peace of mind about this. Nothing bad is going to happen because you've said the truth. Be brave and hang in there.
Tory

Darlene said...

You are NEVER a burden, ever.

Therapy will bring up a lot of memories along with the feelings.
It's very difficult to deal with but it will get better.

I think of it as a storm coming in. It can get very dark and scary but then it passes and the sun comes out. Sometimes it just doesn't pass very quickly.

Don't give up and don't give in.

hugs

Tamara said...

Clueless,

Sweetie, I believe you! I am so very sorry that you had to go through that. Please don't doubt yourself and don't doubt our ability to understand and support you. You were an innocent little kid. These people were crazy and sadistic. But, that has nothing to do with you. You were sweet, innocent, pure and good and still are.

No wonder you are angry at your mother. I have quit speaking to mine for much less and know that she doesn't deserve to have me in her life. Same with you. You are better than that and your mother has not earned your loyalty and trust.

You are NOT a burden. You are a wonderful person that is giving so much of yourself by sharing your experience even though I know that is REALLY hard to do. Through you I am gaining courage to face my past. I am gaining courage to speak my truth.

I know you are sensitive, angry and sad and probably much, much more. We are here for you. We believe you.

Please believe in yourself like we believe in you. You deserve to get past this and heal from this and lead a wonderful life. Keep fighting. You are strong and you can do it.

Sending you all the strength I can,
Tamara

Mike Golch said...

You are a better person than I.what happens in theropy stays there for me at least.I'm not willing to share that part of my self.The most I will say is that I am bipolar and have susicidal thoughts at times.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Clueless said...

@tory. Thank you. It helps me not to feel so bad about sharing.

@darlene. Thank you. I feel like you brought me an umbrella.

@tamara. Thank you so much for your continued support and encouragement. You really mean a lot to me. Thanks for touching my heart.

@mike. It has nothing to do with being a better person. This is not for everyone, but it is something that I needed to do and it has taken me 17 years of therapy over 21 years...I doubt that you've had that opportunity with the same therapist...took me 37 years to talk about some of this stuff to anyone. Shhh, don't add it up...you just might figure out my age...just don't dare think about it.

Patches said...

We are unable to read it due to our own past, however we believe you. You are so very brave to write a bit about it. Hang in there.

Jennifer said...

You are not a burden.

You are a human being in the process of healing. You've been severely burned emotionally, and you are in the hardest part of recovery right now. But you will heal.

Clueless said...

@patches. You are so sweet. It feels good to be believed. Thank you and I'm glad that you kept yourself safe.

@jennifer. Your comment made me tearful and that is big with me. It feels good that you understand that this is a really tough time for me. It is like last week someone cranked up therapy to a different level and I don't like it. I feel so much like I'm fighting my emotions, but I think that they are winning.

jumpinginpuddles said...

you do not stand alone

mini UK said...

Thank you for sharing, my feelings are so similar to yours, I haven't commented before I don't think you have shared too much, I wish you hadn't suffered but I'm glad I am not completely alone in the thoughts I have, take care of you as much as you can & now it'[s not just you

Clueless said...

@JIP. Thank you. That feels good.

@mini UK. Thank you for following me. It helps to know that I am not alone this time.

svasti said...

I think you are so, so brave and strong for putting these things in writing. If I could nominate you for an award to win a trophy, I would.

I'm so sorry to hear about the part a cult played in your life. A girl I used to know was also brought up in a cult. She was possibly one of the most pure hearted people I've ever met, but she had been treated appallingly.

Your triumph is that despite this shocking treatment at the hands of those entrusted with your care - you live. This is a victory. This is strenth and power.

There are others out there like you and like my friend. Your sharing is a beacond in this virtual world to others.

Much love and blessings to you xoxo

Clueless said...

@svasti. Thank you so much. Your words are always deeply appreciated. I'm just really in a place where I want to tell my story, but it has taken me a long time to get here.

Scraps said...

You're absolutely not a burden! These terrible things that were done to you were not your fault; you were an innocent child, and the adults in your life hurt you more than most people can even fathom. I think you're very brave for sharing all of this, it must be so hard for you.

(((hugs)))

Clueless said...

@scraps. Thank you this has been very difficult especially as much of the things I've shared have been after I've had time to process, but this is what is currently going on in therapy right now. Thank you for the support and encouragement.

Mighty Morgan said...

There is love here for you...get out what needs to come out and know that your safe now to do so

Hugs

Morgan

Clueless said...

Thank you Morgan. Thanks for the hugs, encouragement, love and support. This is a rough time.

catatonickid said...

*hugs*

You're not a burden, not by a long shot, C. You haven't forced anyone to bear anymore than they have taken on absolutely willingly - that one of the wonderful things about blogging anonymously.

Instead you're this bright, brave light that shines with spirit and hope and strength - things which you hold onto that show all of us how dear life is even when there is so very much pain too.

Clueless said...

Thanks CK,

I always feel like a burden whenever anyone pays attention to me.

I feel more like this dark little corner that bring everyone down. Thank you for making me see myself differently.

It really feels like I've entered into a really difficult phase of therapy, so maybe I started my blog when I did to make sure I had added support.

I will never be able to thank you enough for your encouragement and support. Thanks for Saturday (at least it was here). You really helped me get through.

preciousrock said...

Clueless,
I am unable to fathom most of the life experiences you have suffered. They are beyond my wildest imagination of the definition of horror. It's difficult for me to read your story because it causes me such mental anguish to see or hear of anyone being abused to this extent, especially an innocent child. I can't even watch movies or read books on this subject. The more I hear of real hard-core abuse and the detrimental lifetime effects on the abused, I appreciate the absolute mundane normalcy of my childhood and realize that I have nothing to complain about.

I respect and believe your story and your pain and am certain it is good for you to use this blog as an outlet to vent and share your story with others. Thanks for sharing!

Clueless said...

@preciousrock. Because it is so difficult for you to read and hear about such things, I really appreciate that you read my blog and support me. To me it is unbelievable too, but that is my denial talking.

Also, my experiences should never diminish anyone else's experience or pain. Pain is pain no matter what and needs to be worked through. You have a right to complain about your childhood just as much as everyone else. Don't use mine to discount your experience...that's called denial. :-) (unless, of course, you don't have anything)

Ash said...

*warm hugs*

Perhaps this blog is exactly what you needed.

You can share your secrets with us-- even the most horrible of them, and you are STILL loved, completely.

You're in a safe place to share these things. Perhaps this support is exactly enough for you to know that even in real life we won't judge you or think any less of you because of the things you suffered.

Those things from the past are NOT you. They're not things that represent you. You are a beautiful person fighting a very challenging (yet ultimately rewarding) fight of healing from the unthinkable. I am proud of you!

Clueless said...

Ash,

Thank you for the hugs!! You are exactly right about writing this blog. It has been very rewarding and therapeutic especially with the acceptance, understanding and comments.

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