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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Today's Session ~ more rage, memories and integration!!

It has been a really tough week for me. Yesterday, was really bad, but I just came back from therapy which was helpful, but extremely difficult. After what we talked about yesterday, the second part of that memory became very intrusive and disturbing. After the beating, I thought it was over, but it was not.

I really wanted it to be over. As I remember, I can still feel the welts, bruising and open skin on my back side. When they let go of me, I thought I was going to be untied which I was not. Then, they all took turns brutally raping me. James was the worse it felt like he was trying to make it as painful as he could. Geoffrey said that he probably was. Either way with each person, it hurt. I could feel my skin tear a little and it felt like my whole insides were going to burst. And, I could feel the table on rubbing my back side which just made it hurt even more. I wanted to die and thought that I might.

Geoffrey said basically explained that they felt very small, powerless, angry and were misogynistic. Then, they projected all of those feeling on to me and made me feel they way that they did. I so much wanted to be untied and for the door to be unlocked. I felt so terrified and trapped.

Today, it felt good to be angry (so far not turning it on myself too much). But, I feel like I want to stab them to death, castrate them and tie them up and make them suffer as much as I did. I want to shove something up their anus and then take a long Q-tip like thing and drench it in alcohol and shove it into their penis. I know sounds horrible. Geoffrey said that it was normal, healthy and developmentally correct.

What they did to me didn't happen all the time, but enough and at different ages. I was actually used to getting raped by multiple men at this time because that is what happened in the bedroom, but this raised it to a more sadistic level. One that my brain does not want to grasp. But this is my truth, my life and I just felt like I needed to blog about it...get it out there and not in my head and just between Geoffrey and me.

Thank you for all of your support. I really appreciate it and need it right now. Tomorrow "should" be better because we try to take it a little easier on Friday since it is the weekend. Now, I feel like crying. Feeling a little sad, then rage, then self-destructive. Round and round it goes. I just keep thinking I was just a little girl who needed attention.

Oh, James told my mother that I had misbehaved which was his explanation for the beating. My mother always believed what he said and never asked me about it. So when she came to pick me up, she yelled and me and hit me. There was no escape and no way to win...just take it and hope it doesn't get too out of control. Sorry if this was too graphic.


Cristina C. Fender said...

I feel awful for you.

I would take it away if I could.

Clueless said...

Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Anonymous said...

I agree that the rage you feel is appropriate. I have flashes of putting a pitch fork through my mother and pinning her to the wall. I've never said it on my blog before cause I was too scared it would sound way too horrible and make me look bad. I read the anger on your blog and didn't think badly of you at all. I didn't think anything other than, is there anything I can do to assist in this torture session? Can I supply the Q-tips with some sort of strong acid?

It was the graphic truth is what it was. Yes, I flinched and felt every word but it doesn't mean you should write it any differently.

I wonder myself how on earth I lived through what I did so I know what you were thinking laying there.

We wish you peace of mind,

Clueless said...

It felt good to actually feel my anger and write about the fantasies. I noticed a change before it has always been stabbing my step-father and/or my mother, but it always ended with my killing myself. This time it isn't going there.

Thank you so much for your support, encouragement and letting me know how you identify...it helps validate my feelings, so that I don't feel bad and makes me feel less alone.

Katie's Blog said...

I am sorry you experienced so much.



Clueless said...

Thank you!

j said...

I may have written this to you before (certainly have thought it for myself under different circumstances), but maybe it would help to picture all the people supporting you now with you when you were being attacked. Feel the rage and then feel the support (and then feel the rage some more. that one will take a while).

If you felt alone and unsupported then, you are not alone now.

I'm glad that your violent (appropriately so!) fantasies focused solely on your attackers this time.

Take care, CC (not so clueless!)

Clueless said...

No, this is the first time. Thank you for reminding me of this. I used to do this with picturing Jesus, but using my entire support system is a good thing. But, my e-people, some have weird avatars like cartoons...just kidding that won't get in the way. I think reading Austin's feedback, she'd like a go at handling someone. Yes, but feeling then being supported. I get it. You know I'm angry that I have to do this whole thing in the first place. Thank you again for your support.

jumpinginpuddles said...

even as a victim of such abuse ourselves we never stop feeling rage for those who had to also go through as we did, funny how we can feel rage for others and not ourselves.
We are so glad you are conecting with that rage for if it is handled correctly can release you from terrible torment.
We think you are a very brave writer of the truth thankyou for it also helps us to know we are not alone.

Mr B The Tech Teacher said...

Your anger is quite appropriate, and I think you have a number of people here who are probably imagining doing very similar things to your attackers. I am not a violent person myself (anymore) but I am a creative person, and sometimes that can be far more scary ;)
These people *will* pay for what they have done, Karma is a bitch and in this life or the next they will get to feel what it was like to be you.


Clueless said...

Yes, it is funny how we can feel for someone else and not ourselves. But, if we can feel for someone else that means somewhere inside we have the ability to feel for ourselves. That gives me hope.

Thank you for saying that I am brave because I sure don't feel it. I really appreciate your support.

Clueless said...

Creative...hmmm, that could be handy. Makes me smile at least. Thank you for cheering me on.

Spin Original said...

You are incredibly brave and I commend you SO MUCH. I give you the bravery award.

I find that a lot of healing comes from writing, and just knowing that someone has read my thoughts makes a world of difference.

Praying for you.

Unknown said...

You are a very brave person, and all the anger and rage you feel, is so appropriate. And yes, we do feel rage for others and not ourselves, at least I know I don't, I am still having trouble with blaming myself, thinking what if I had done something about it or said no, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. all the what if's ...Mary

Clueless said...

@ P.J. thank you I didn't really think of it as brave until I did it. It is healing for me to talk about it with my therapist and then write about it. It does make it more real and the feedback helps me to stay grounded in reality.

@Mary. I still have difficulty with blaming myself. It is hard not to because then I have to really accept that I was helpless and had no control and that it really did happen. I've gone back and forth on that all week, but more of me is that I am not to blame, at least right now...who knows about later.

Anonymous said...

I support your anger!

I'm angry, too!

You are very brave, and we're all here for you!

Clueless said...

Thank you! I feel it and that mean a lot to me...if I don't push it away.

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