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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Past Journal Entry: July 4, 2005

It felt good to see you today especially since it is a holiday. It felt good to cry today. Felt some relief from the tension. Was also good to be able to talk about the suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt myself which I haven't done in more than 72 hours. Yeah, I really don't want to start again as it become more and more difficult to stop each time. I've stopped before and I've stopped the cutting before. I can do this. I really have invested too much of me to quit.
I guess on a positive note, I have gained some weight. It really scares me as I feel a bit out of control and I want to lose weight. But, I have kept my promise of eating something everyday. But, I really don't want to gain anymore weight. The suicidal thoughts and the wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm really scared because I know my thoughts are getting more distorted. Thinking of ways to lie to you which I absolutely promise not to do.
When you asked about what is going on now versus when I was hospitalized in 1992, it really made me realize that I'm just on that edge or maybe I am in trouble and don't want to admit it. Although the acting out isn't as bad as before, it still is really bad and scary and severe. Also, I've crossed the line with being much more concrete and specific with the plans and I've purchased things. But, I have been telling you. The other element is both the suicidal thoughts and wanting to injure myself is more intense and unrelenting. Although it was everyday before, but this time it is so much more intense and intrusive.
Hospitalization scares me as does continuing on in the way I've been. Maybe, with the time off from work, it will get better. I don't know . I 'm really scared. I wonder if you understand how scared I am. I realize, if I step back and look at it clinically, that hospitalization should have occurred a while ago. I really appreciate how you have handled it. Last weekend, I know I really pushed the limit and may have gone over it.
I'm really concerned that you won't be able to be there for me. And it is really, really important that I don't lose contact with you which is what really concerns me. The financial part does also as does returning to work and how it will effect my husband. I think, I partly feel like I've failed if I go into the hospital like something is wrong with me that I can't handle things without it being necessary.
I just want to cry...the wanting to bruise, cut, burn and the suicidal ideation keeps increasing. I just want some quiet for awhile. Growing up the suicidal thoughts were daily. It is really hard not to judge the possibility of being hospitalized again. Feels like I'm taking a step back.
Right now, it really feels like I need you to set limits even though it makes me angry. I also feel like I really need you to help give direction right now. Sometimes, I get scared to speak further because I don't want to hear what I have to say.
General Color Code:
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Observations: It was really a good thing to be able to talk about hospitalization and all that was going on in my head. However, I was in trouble. Looking at what I told him and what was going on, he could have insisted on hospitalization, but did not. He put himself in a very disconcerting and precarious position and I'm sure his colleagues were telling him to hospitalize me. However, he was hedging his bet that I was going to let him know when I was ready for hospitalization because if it occurred before I was ready I would fight treatment and it would be unproductive. The other thing is that I would have continued to lose weight which was a concern at this point and my symptoms would over all get worse. Now, when I tell him that I appreciate the position that I put him in by the decisions that we made, he says, "thank you," with a sigh of relief.


Anonymous said...

Hi again, I came across your journal from everyone needs therpay last week I think & had been reading back. I'd like to say how much I admire you, you write with such courage & strength even if you don't feel it. I would also like to thank you - I thought of you in my last therapy session, to know I am not alone in my thoughts & that you have survived speaking about them means so much. I would also like to say how much I love your paintings, they have such depth to them, the more I look at them the more i see. I will sign again as mini UK, I started my own blog a while back, prompted by you I tried to resurrect it yesterday, just can't remember my sign in info today!
Know you are not alone, take care of you,

Clueless said...

Hi mini uk,

I'm glad that my little blog has helped. Yes, I did not think that I'd ever be able to talk about what goes on internally let alone what I experienced, but I feel so much better now that I have and it feels good to know that by speaking out that I have helped someone.

Thank you for the comment on my paintings. They were done a few years ago. I am trying to follow them in the order of my journal entries. But, sometimes I'll mix in a current one...they surprise and sometimes scared me with the amount of emotion in them.

I hope you remember your sign in info. I don't feel so alone now. Know that you are not either.

take care,

Bradley said...

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself via your journals. It's comforting in a way to see the ways that people get what I'm going through. Thank you

Btw, Shiv needs to be spanked for stealing your idea.

Tamara (TC) Staples said...


Once again, thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and fears. Reading this, I just realized that maybe if I would journal more it would be helpful. For some reason I kind of abandoned my journal with this last wave of memories.

Your courage gives me strength everyday. I know that you are working as hard as you possibly can to heal. I hope that you are proud of all you are doing. It takes enormous strength!

Best wishes,

Clueless said...

@Brad. You are welcome. It is comforting not to be alone. However, I will never know what it is like to be bipolar which sounds more difficult to deal with in that there are mood swings. However, with depression you don't ever get to have a high. Either way both suck!!

BTW, you can do the honors with Shiv.

@Tamara. Journaling saved me as I tend to write uncensored even though I knew I was going to read my journals to him and sometimes I'd get on a roll and be surprised at what came out. Thank you again for your support and it really feels good that I'm helping others also.

Spin Original said...

I thoroughly appreciate what you are doing in and through this blog. I am thankful for your openness and honesty. In a world that works hard make themselves appear "okay", it is great to have an example like you to remind me that we all are dealing with something, and that we don't have to be perfect. You are also teaching me that 'life is what it is". We cannot change what has been done, but we can share the things we've gone through to help and encourage one another. What the devil had intended for evil, God can turn around for good. I truly believe you are making good of the evil things those horrible men did to you.

God bless you, Clueless, as you continute to work through these tough and often unbearable times, and as you show God at work in your life by sharing your writings with us.

Clueless said...

p.j., I am speechless. Your comment means a lot to me...you've almost made me cry. Thank you!!! :-)

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