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A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
I know that I am not in a very good place right now, but I feel like my posts today have gained comments that make me feel misunderstood. With the Wordle, I should have explained that those are the things that were said to me, done to me or my revenge fantasies. Some of the things, I still stuggle with today and are automatic thoughts. My therapist is working with me on not making them stop as that is not possible as my brain automatically goes there, but on once I'm there to try to go somewhere else.
With my entry about my little girl, I initially wanted to take it down because I felt so raw and vulnerable and I'm feeling even more so now. I feel really misunderstood like I'm not given the credit for the fact that I am letting her talk both on my blog and in therapy. By doing that, all the thoughts and urges increase, but I still am letting her talk. I just felt like that was missed...that I was missed.
I also realized that I am not in a good space, so if I am being too sensitive just ignore this post.
8 comments:
You are just saying what you feel and there is nothing wrong with that. I am always posting stuff an wondering why in the world did I tell the whole world that for?
*hugs* sorry it's all so overwhelming for you at the moment.
i can't speak for what folks were thinking when they commented but from where i sit you're doing your best to let all the 'parts' of you have a say. certainly better than i ever manage, and i know the kind of blinding rage you can feel towards the vulnerable parts of yourself.
maybe there's just so much going on right now it's hard to make sure every 'part' gets a fair go?
judging by the comments it looked like people were trying to say that healing is found in allowing even more of that vulnerability. that's not an easy task, though. in any case, there's no denying how far you've come already, which is a long way to even be able to write so honestly about what happened!
Clueless --I'm sorry that you feel misunderstood. The good thing about having your own blog is that you can remove things if that makes you feel more comfortable. Sometimes that can be the right thing to do.
Once the comment is published I can't remove it.
sorry for being so imprecise -- I was talking about removing posts (though you should be able to remove comments, too -- I did this once in blogger, using the little trashcan icon, I think.)
OH!! Someone turned the lights on in my brain...I never really noticed the trashcan before...I get it. I knew how to remove posts which also removes all the comments. It is too bright now...dimming. Thank you so much!!!
It takes so much courage to let that child talk and it's so important! No one valued her when you were a child and what a gift to value what she has to say NOW.
April, thank you. I am letting her talk, but not without consequences. She tells the truth that I don't want to hear, but I guess a part of me does; otherwise, I wouldn't be doing it.
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