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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Today's Session ~ Feeling a bit of Rage for the first time.

I just returned from therapy today. I did a fingerpainting and feel a little better, at least, not as self-destructive and took a PRN, at the advice, of my therapist. It was a rough session and I feel like I need to share it.

For the past several weeks, I've been returning to this flashback...now, I don't want to write it. Here goes...my step-father and his father used to tie me down to the ping-pong table unclothed in their garage with some sort of thing that raised my legs. Sometimes, two of their friends would just hold my legs up. Then, while laughing and seeming like they were at a party, James and his father would alternately beat me on the buttocks and the back of my thighs with a belt and a piece of wood. James would always use his belt and his father in this flashback used a piece of wood. They would hit so hard and so fast that it felt like I could never recover from one blow to the next. I'm not sure if I disassociated or was unconscious, at times, from the pain or both.

Today, I felt like I let myself off the hook a little bit. I've always thought it was because I wanted attention and that I trusted them which made it my fault. I needed attention because I wasn't given it and I felt guilty because they treated me nicely by purchasing things for me and taking me to amusement parks. Now, I realize that they were trying to gain my trust, so that they could abuse me. I know from a clinical stand point I knew it wasn't true, but this is one of those clueless things. I also know that they were really had severe personality disorder.

I am feeling so enraged that they would gain my trust and then abuse me in the way that they did. And, it is sinking in more that there was absolutely nothing that a four or five year old can do to fight back with four men, two being very large. It was like I didn't exist to them...I was just a toy. I hate them so much right now I just want to go hurt someone. I hate that I had no control and that I was unclothed and tied down and held down and beaten for their amusement. I am feeling so much rage which is quite unusual for me. And there is a part of me that wants comfort, but doesn't trust it.

I am also going back and forth between wanting to hurt someone and really wanting to hurt myself especially bruise and hit myself to the point where I break a bone. I am sooooo angry. Which side am I going to stay on today. I don't want to hurt myself, but it feels like I need to punish myself or get some anger out by hurting myself. I think, I'll need another PRN. I've never quite felt like this before and I don't like it. I am having a rough time.

So, that was my session and the aftermath. Here is the painting I completed...the paint is still wet and I felt like I could only do one because it was starting to escalate my feelings at the end. Only red, orange, purple and blue were used in this painting.
Color Legend:

Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears
Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Addendum: I just woke up from a nap and now I feel like I just want to die. I've said too much. No one is going to believe me...I don't want to believe me. Physically feeling the pain. My head hurts like I can't take it in...I don't want to take it in. I just need to die.

20 comments:

Bradley said...

My first thought is "How do you get four such sick twisted individuals in one room together?" It's amazing and I understand the rage. It's justified.

You know your next step is forgiveness. They don't deserve it, of course, but resentment is the poison we drink ourselves. It's a long haul though.

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but the painting is beautiful despite the fact it truly shows your pain. I can't imagine any child enduring the suffering they put you through.

Clueless said...

First of all, thank you. But, forgiveness is not the next stage yet. I haven't felt my rage only the tip and there is so much more that was done to me that I will eventually get to. Unfortunately, it gets worse. Remember my side bar. Those are feeling I don't want to get to.

Of course, I don't mind you saying my painting is beautiful. Yesterday, three people asked if I were selling them as prints. I'm not ready to do that. I feel like they are my soul. Eventually...I keep thinking they are only finger paintings.

I can't imagine any child going through what I did...I have to talk about what happened first. It is almost unspeakable. Thanks for the support.

Bradley said...

Of course, you are right. Forgiveness is not the first step. I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel the rage you deserve right to express. The circumstances were horrible and you need to get it out, my friend.

It's been too long coming.

Katie's Blog said...

I think you're brave for telling your story. That's about all I can say. I did art therapy last night and had to color my feelings. It helped alot.

Polar Bear said...

You have a lot of courage. What an awful thing to have to go through as a little girl.

Clueless said...

@bradley. Thank you so much for your support. I really means a lot to me. It just feels like there is so much that I need to tell that sometimes I feel I just have to talk, write or paint...I feel a little frantic today.

@Katie Thank you. Art therapy is definitely helpful if you can do it.

@polar bear Thank you. I wish I could say that that is as bad as it got, but that is just a tiny tip of the iceberg. I'm feeling a little sick.

Jennifer said...

Rage is absolutely and totally appropriate, at the people who did those things to you, and allowed those things to happen to you.

When we are children, it isn't always safe to direct our anger at those who hurt us. (It absolutely wasn't safe for you, clearly, with those sickos around.) So the feelings get directed inward: "why did I let these things happen to me? I must deserve them."

Of course, rationally you can know this isn't the case, but that doesn't make the feelings go away.

I hope you are doing ok tonight. It's good to feel angry. Just direct it at the people who deserve it, not you. The painting seems like a good way to get it out. (have to run -- kid is out of the bath; hope these thoughts aren't too unformed). j

Clueless said...

Jennifer,

No, your thoughts are right on target. I just don't want to believe that it happened. The worst thing is that there is so much more. I am having a lot of difficulty with the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to hurt/injure myself. After the one fingerpainting, I felt more agitated, so I had to stop to stay safe. The PRNs are helpful as is your support. Thank you.

Rising Rainbow said...

I'm not going to tell you it didn't happen. The only ones vested in that have something to hide. I hope you can believe that because it's true. People who don't believe have secrets to protect. that's why they don't want others talking about such things.

As for the artwork, do you see a face in there or is it just me?

Shiv said...

It sounds like you reached an important turning point here in letting yourself direct your pain and anger outwards rather than inwards, and that is a good thing. Don't punish yourself for the crimes of others, as much as you may fool yourself into feeling you are complicit at times you absolutely are not and like you said you had no way to even fight back.
Every post I read of yours touches my heart and makes me feel a great sorrow for the pain you have suffered at the hands of those sick , twisted, evil bastards.

Keep strong, you are on the path to recovery and the climb up the mountain will eventually turn to walking up a hill, and then just travelling down a road.
*hugs*
~Shiv

MYSTI said...

First i want to say that you are so very courageous, I know you probably do not feel such, but you are. It takes courage to live, to breath, to feel the pain, and to talk and write about your abuse. You have been told this already i am sure, but it is not your fault, not your fault that these sick men took advantage, and abused you. I have been where you have been in feeling like you want to punish and hurt yourself. Where everything seems hopeless and pointless. Please know that all you need to do is take it one moment at a time. Healing will come as the moments pass. ((((Hugs))))

Your painting when i first saw it evoked a lot of thoughts and feelings in me. I saw your heart breaking. Your work is very powerful, keep painting as a release of your feelings, as you already know it helps.

The poem footprints as you already said is a good reminder to let God carry you.


Hugs and blessings.

Ash said...

*hugs*

You're not alone. I know it's scary and addressing these horrifying things can feel overwhelming or like something that would cause bad things to happen. But you're not alone, and you have people around you who will be there for you if you need us to hold your hand.

I'm so proud of your bravery. You can do this!

Clueless said...

I was going to respond to everyone individually, but I am wiped right now. But, I really appreciate the encouragement, support and words of wisdom. I is good to hear and if I let it in, it feels good to have some comfort. Thank you...this would be so much harder without all of you.

Tory said...

I can understand your rage and anger at those who hurt you. I felt rage and anger just reading about it! I promise you, these bastards will pay for every one of your tears, if not now, when they face God.
Peace be with you.
Tory

Clueless said...

Thank you

Kahless said...

I think your painting is beautiful; a reflection of you most likely.

RR; I dont see a face; I see a part of the female anatomy.

Clueless said...

I don't see a face either or female anatomy. I actually see an open heart.

P.J. said...

Your rage is understandable, and I just want to say how terribly sorry I am that you endured such a terrible loss and horrible abuse. That hurt is deep, deep down. After covering it up and hiding it for so long, it's natural to think that maybe it didn't happen.

I am going to tell you what I see in your painting... I look for the obvious, and see a heart. The heart is the source of our feelings. To me, it looks as though the red heart has nearly lost its ability to feel and it almost the same color as the rest of the body (the orange). Then, the blue at the top, reminds me of the sky. That signifies one of two things: 1. A glimmer of hope, or 2. That the heart and body longs to escape to a place of no pain.

Beautifuldreamer said...

I believe everything you've written about your abuse, and mourn with you. It's so courageous of you to even begin to attempt feeling your rage and other suppressed emotions.

I haven't done much of that yet; everything is pretty much still on the surface for me.

I'm so glad you have a relationship with God--there is no other friend like him to be with you through the tough times.

Clueless said...

@ P.J and Beautiful Dreamer. Thank you for your comments and support. I really appreciate it..it has been a tough week. You both helped.

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