Past Journal Entry: July, 2/3, 2005 ~ weekend

Geoffrey,

[Bad weekend]. Today, I wondered if hospitalization would be helpful. I ended up calling for basic information. I really don't want hospitalization, but the unrelenting quality of my thoughts is beginning to wear on me. And, I can't turn it off. Sometimes, I start to make sense to myself. Like what is so wrong with burning, cutting or bruising, it only hurts me...it's not like I'm killing myself. Although sometimes, I want to do that. And sometimes, I really want to injure myself or hurt myself. The thoughts were unrelenting today.

I really don't want hospitalization, but today I thought for a moment or two that if might be helpful to just dial down the thoughts in my head. I'd like to see how next week goies. But, I'm scared and feeling overwhelmed.

I think I'm making it worse because in my head if I bruise that means hosptialization, so there is much pressure added and the desire is increased. I just want to stop. Sometimes, feels like I'm going to implode from the pressure.

Talking to you helped this morning. However, I keep thinking that tomorrow I can purchase the alcohol and razors. Monday, I could cut. Tuesday, I could bruise and Wednesday when my husband isn't home I can take the pills with the alcohol. I think I won't tell you or I will lie to you. [I have never lied to him...only unconsciously omitted things] But, I will not lie to you. I absolutely promise not to even by omission. What difference does it make anyway if I hurt myself or die.

In someways, I wish I would have never told you the details and just kept it a secret. I was able to keep most of it to myself before and stopped. I'm just really ashamed.

I'm really scared and tired and feeling really hopeless. I just want to give up. Ijust feel so stressed and so much pressure. I really want to bruise and I really want to die.

Talking to you tonight (two days in a row) made me feel like I've done something wrong. Like it isn't okay to write or share those thoughts. Feels like it wasn't okay to share them with you...feels bad. Really feel like crying because I feel like I did something wrong. I do realize that I've been fighting hard this weekend and I haven't acted out for two days. I can't do this...I feel too much pressure and my stomach hurts as I don't feel like I can just write what is going on in my head which is bad because it is negative. It is hard to switch to positive. I'm not sure I can think positively right now.

Observations: In this entry, I am totally reacting to telling Geoffrey the extent of the bruising (beating until I draw blood). No one ever knew. Even during the first go around with him, I never told him. I was and am feeling really embarrassed and ashamed. I'm afraid that no one will want to know me anymore and that he was going to stop working with me. I felt and feel that he was disgusted with my (projection).

Having had two telephone calls from him in a row, really made me feel bad. One, because I need it and thought that I should be able to handle things. Two, that he was angry with me and that I was being intrusive.

By my writing, thinking and calling about hospitalization meant that I thought that I could be needing it. I need to have so much control over it that I would begin the process. During my first hospitalization, I did everything and walked into Geoffrey's office and gave him the information, date of admission and the contact person, so that he could continue to see me. I was doing the same as I knew my behavior was out of control and was close to the point of my first hospitalization. Also, I was terrified to talk to Geoffrey about hospitalization because to me it meant that I failed somewhere. I should be able to handle it. I now realize that I was handling a lot more than I should have been like continuing to work full time.