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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Stuck Between a Huge Boulder and a Mountain!!!

Even though it is difficult enough to write about my sexual abuse and anger with the men in my life. It is a whole other level when it comes to my mother. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive until I moved out of the house when I was 21. However, the emotional abuse continued. Also, admitting her complicity in my the other abuses I experienced is even harder. If you add to that my rage toward everyone, but especially my mother, you have my place of stuckness.

(Need to say that I'm having difficulty writing this as I get buzzy in my head or go away). I am not yet ready to reveal my writings about my mother, but I'm getting there. Yesterday, I wrote about being stuck about talking about my memories. Well, it is more than 10 times harder to talk about my mother. I've worked my entire life to not live in that reality.

However, I have internalized my mother's projection of badness and of not wanting me very well. To the point that I want to die, feel like I deserve to die or not exist, that I am bad and want to absolutely destroy my inner infant and little girl. I really want to kill them off which is what I took in from my mother not wanting me and telling me that I was bad or evil, etc...

This is one of the other reasons that my depression has increased so much during these past few weeks. Yesterday, my therapist and I discussed that I start to have difficulty at the beginning of summer and my first hospitalization was in August and my second was in July. August being my birth month, he is speculating on what my mother must have felt like before I was born or when I was 10 months old. What I do know is that she didn't want me and that she actively blamed me for her problems.

I can't write anymore about what my mother did right now...it is just too difficult which is where I am between the mountain and a boulder. Either, way my depression increases and currently it is getting pretty bad. I'm terrified, rageful, sad, empty, achy and tearful. I don't want to face the truth, but I don't want to remain stuck. I just don't want to deal with the reality that my mother is really sick and I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for her. I didn't just write that...I'm going to pretend it is not there like I have all my life, then it isn't real and neither am I.

Well, the second post is of my fingerpaintings completed in 2005. Funny, but the same feeling are always there...maybe, because I can only handle so much at a time. No, actually now I am at a deeper level...oh, goody, progress. (note sarcastic tone). I just want to go curl up and die now...just disappear.


Anonymous said...

Hey Clue...hang in there lady! I remember the assignment in therapy like it was yesterday..."learn about your MOM'S childhood, ask her, and allow your little girl and hers to become friends." Now, our little girls didn't instantly bond, because I still held so much bitterness, anger, and blame for her not protecting me from the things that happened. But, I guess, my "one day" came around and it became crystal clear to me why she was they way she was. And I began to process how parents are no different from any other human -- they do what they know, and would do better if they knew how.

Do you know of any hardships in your mom's life where, if things were different for her, should would have been a different kinda mom for you?

I feel where you are dear...just sharing my come from, and some encouragement to face the real truth...that you ARE valuable, your life DOES matter, and that God LOVES you so much :)!

Clueless said...

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I know and understand about my mother's past and I use that to excuse what she did which then prevents me from feeling...so then I get stuck again. SIGH! I really don't want to deal with this.

Spin Original said...

Talking about mother's sure is a whole other ball of wax than talking about dads, abuse, etc. I get that. Just know that healing WILL come from it.

I'm praying for you. Take it one step at a time, and keep your head up. You are not responsible for your mother's behavior. God wants you here, now, and for that you can walk with your head high. God has a purpose and a plan for you - don'g forget that! Love to you.

Unknown said...

I understand completely not wanting to deal. I have buried so much that I am often afraid I buried my ability to feel ANYTHING right along with everything else. I really dont understand why the few people that are close to me say things like "for a relatively intelligent woman, you are so clueless" when it comes to my interpersonal relationships. I have completely lost (or maybe never had?) the skills to apply certain levels of reasoning to why I am the way I am or why I keep choosing the wrong man or even why my mother is the way she is or made the choices she made. It seems like everyone else can see that 1 + 1 = 2 but I've been totally blind to it. It is REALLY frustrating!! I had a therapist once tell me that when I wanted to see it, I would. I got really mad at her. It doesnt seem like it is as simple as wanting to see vs not wanting to see. I have no idea how to even begin???

How did you even start to make the connections you've made? You have posted some really profound things and it seems like you've had some huge "aha!" moments...even though they are excrutiating, you have pieces to work with. Does that make any sense at all?

Sorry, I think its a "shut up" time for me : )

Unknown said...

Ok I've been sitting here kinda worried about the comment I left earlier. I cant re-read it because it has to be approved first so I'm really not sure how it will come off sooo... I just wanted to follow-up with this:

I in no way meant to belittle your situation or bring you down or anything negative. What I was actually trying to get across as I wrote the comment in a fevered pitch was that you post really profound stuff and the connections you make seem amazing to me. I often feel like I'm standing in the middle of a pile of a bunch of broken stuff...I dont know what was broken or what the pieces are so I feel totally ...I dont know..frustrated? overwhelmed? something...because I have been to enough therapy to know the processes and the coping skills but I'm not sure what it is I should be coping with?

Shit. I'm rambling even more! :)

I hope some of this made sense and I hope you do not feel that I have made light of your situation or offended you in any way.

Again, I'll just shut my yap now :) hahaha

Clueless said...

@p.j. Thank you for the support and encouragement and the reminders of who I am.

@unstable. I'm so sorry that I've made you wait. I had an unexpected double therapy session which was really good. In terms of being clueless, remember how the title of my blog came about. Most of the difficulties in relationships and relating have to do with an unmet need in childhood and until we deal with that and see the impact, we don't really have that much control. Once we have a handle on "oh, that's why I do that," then it becomes a choice. It is difficult and painful process that many choose not to take.

Your former therapist was right that you will see and feel things as you are ready to face it and deal with it, but it is not simple and you don't choose it consciously. It sound like she was trying to help you not be so hard on yourself.

For me, it is trying to be aware of where I'm at and talk about that instead of what I think I should be talking about. It is also about trusting yourself and letting youself dictate the pace which I get impatient about because it is never fast enough.

17 years of therapy and two hospitalizations and currently four days per week with medications is the answer to my a-ha moments. Previously, it was all reactionary and I couldn't process like I can now, but it was excruciating.

You made sense to me. At least, I think I got what you meant.

Oh my gosh, of course I did not feel belittled or anything like it or bring me down. Everything is just fine with what you wrote.

Just a year ago, I used to tell my therapist that I feel like my whole house was turned upside down and shaken and now I'm stading in the middle of this mess and I don't know what to do. He continues to help me figure it out, but it is not easy and the insight comes later. At least, that was my process.

By the way, I do not mind long comments as I tend to ramble or be wordy.

Thank you for the support.

Take care,

Unknown said...

Hi Clueless: Remember this, you are worth something, and none of this is our fault. I am working through the same thing you are right now, and gee, it almost feels like I wrote what you said. Please take it one step at a time as I am, because in the end we will win this fight, you are worth so much and you have so much to give, not only to yourself but to others here who read your blog...You are a special person, please remember that...Mary

Clueless said...

@Mary. Thank you. It is good not to feel so alone.

j said...

All I can offer you are some big virtual ((((HUGS)))).

What you are doing is difficult and necessary. And painful, but the alternative is worse. Mother troubles are very difficult to unwrangle. It's hard to step out of the child's eye view, especially when your childhood was so devastating. You're in the middle of a long journey, but I really think it will get better and you will emerge feeling whole.

OK, one more time. (((HUGS))).

Patches said...

we can really relate to your post. It is really hard to talk about some things.

we enjoyed seeing your fingerpaintings.

Clueless said...

@Jennifer. The hugs are good. Thank you for your support. Yes, mother issues are the worst. I guess that is why it has taken so long to get here.

@patches. Thanks you are always a pleasure to see here.

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