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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Entry: June 30, 2005

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling bad about crying and really am wanting to act out. I'm really wanting to cut or bruise. You told me that crying is better than acting out. A part of me knows that and another part would really rath hurt myself...going away, trying to disappear is how I used to stop myself from crying. Now, it is automatic. Feel like I'm bad and am going to be punished or yelled at if I cry. I also feel bad that I'm not able to. All road lead to bad.

Yesterday was really tough with my interactions with my supervisor. Sometimes, I wish I could convey how bad it feels and how unrelenting it had been. I know my acting out only makes it worse, but sometimes knowing that I'm going to have the brief moment of relief seems worth it...the consequences don't matter. Feels like the acting out might be my way of trying to tell both of us how bad I feel, how painful everything feels. I get really tired of fighting the thoughts in my head and the desires to cut, burn or bruise. The suicidal thoughts are loud as is the desire to purchase the alcohol, lighter and razors.

I couldn't concentrate on my documentation today and I'm starting to get concerned because I am getting behind, but I can't focus and feel badly about that. Also, panicky that I'm not going to be able to handle today. I can't wait for it to be over.

I want to keep my promise to you. But, there is also a part that is just tired of fighting and wanted to give up. I'm not sleeping well. I think the anticipated demands and pressure of the day is overwhelming me and creating some panic.

Just wanting to die and hurt myself. Wanting to keep my promises and wanting to act out. I've gone 57 hours without acting out...feels good, but I feel so much pressure.

I guess, I only made it to 58 hours as I bruised before my first meeting and then afterward and then after that meeting. It was like once I broke my promise, I kept going since I couldn't go back. The third time I used a switch. Now, I'm really regretting that I began in the first place and kept going away. But, it did reduce my anxiety from yesterday and about today's meetings. I guess the day just felt really overwhelming and demanding. Also, feeling bad about my interactions with my supervisor and with crying in front of you.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

The white looking areas are actual a pale blue or pale purple.



Observations: I was really trying not to bruise (beat myself like what was done to me), but I was really getting way in over my head. My coping skills were diminishing and meetings which used to be no problem create anxiety. I was really overwhelmed and stressed out by work and things that went on between my supervisor and myself. And, to cry in session was like one of the worst things I could do...still is. Again, I'm in deep trouble.

9 comments:

Bradley said...

"And, to cry in session was like one of the worst things I could do...still is. Again, I'm in deep trouble."

Sucks - Yes. Frightening - yes....and so on. One of the worst things you can do - not anywhere in the universe. I understand it can feel like it though.

As usual, your art is beautiful. I hope it truly helps to have a great outlet to relieve some of your pain.

Clueless said...

Thank you so much for your support. I don't know if people realize or get really confused that I have old journal entries and old paintings from 2005 and present day stuff.

Thank you for the compliment on the art. I just think of it as just some fingerpainting. It is a great outlet.

April_optimist said...

It IS beautiful art. For me, I can't simply not do a habit I don't like. I need to find something better to replace it with. Mind you, it felt really strange the first time I replaced calling myself stupid or otherwise being hurtful to myself with treating myself to something that made me smile but....eventually I got used to it and it was an important step for me on my healing journey.

Deb said...

I think your art is so compelling and beautiful as well.

IT is so hard to be vulnerable in sessions.

Keep expressing in any ways that you can. And try to bypass the urge to harm. I know personally and professionally how hard that can be...but a day at a time. A step at a time.

Clueless said...

@April. Yes, it is really hard for me not to say unkind things to my self. When I was working, I didn't realize how often I called my self stupid until my secretary started to catch me everytime I would say it. It was starting to bother her because I was so hard on myself.

@Deb. Thank you for the compliment on the art work. I hope you know that I have current day journal entries mixed in with present day ones. Although the urge has been strong, the PRNs, and other strategies, have kept me from doing so since Christmas...I think...anyway, it was a while ago. But, dealing with my anger toward my mother is such a hard thing not to turn inward.

Tamara said...

Clueless,

I like being able to see your old journal entries and artwork mixed in with today's. And, I too, really appreciate your paintings!

Good for you for treating yourself better since Christmas. Wish things weren't so difficult for you right now. The mother thing is a nightmare for me, also. She really has messed up my life in so many ways including making it very difficult for me to trust women! My mother deserves my anger and the blame for her part in the devastation over my life. I think yours does also.

Sending you lots of love and support,
Tamara

Clueless said...

Thank you. Yes, my mother does deserve my anger, but it is so hard. I guess we are in this one together.

P.J. said...

So, I am just beginning to understand the self-harm stuff. I get from your writing that it is a habit - an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. Is that correct about cutting/bruising?

Turning to food has become involuntary to me.

As I read your journal entry, I had another question - were all these letters to Geoffrey given to him, or where they for yourself to get out your feelings???

I also think the last painting looks like a butterfly - to me that symbolizes your internal longing for freedom.

Clueless said...

These were all read to Geoffrey in session. Self-harm is an addiction and is much more complicated than what I can explain. I am simply trying to tell my story. If you want to know more, please go to the following sites:
http://www.selfinjury.com/
http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/
http://self-injury.net/
http://www.psyke.org/

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