Entry: May 25, 2005 - 6:30 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling really depressed, hopeless and suicidal. I just want to disappear and withdraw from everyone and everything. Feels like as I've gone through each day that it has become more difficult to be present. I feel really withdrawn and protective. I keep thinking everyone is angry with me or tired of me. Feeling really bad. Everything feels so overwhelming and demanding. Feeling panicky. I feel like I just need to just go away. Everything feels so threatening. Feeling like crying too. I just feel so awful. Sometimes, I feel like it would be better of if I were dead. I want so much just to go away and die. Sometimes, I wonder if you really know how badly I feel and how everyday is such a struggle for me.

Note: Obviously, I was really depressed. Looking at it now, I realize that was a flashback because that was how I felt when I was young. Also, fragmenting, meaning here, that I was merging with feeling like a child and was unable to access the adult part of me that could comfort and deal with this as a professional, but not able to apply it to myself. My process is to feel this way until I feel heard and understood which means that I understand what I'm trying to say through all of this. That was to come later.

I also bring up crying which has always been difficult for me because the moment I feel any twinge of wanting to cry I make it a bad thing and shut everything down. My family has said that I was a quiet baby and did not cry much. Abuse was the reason that I stopped crying which I will explain later as I write more about what has happened to me.

Work was also beginning to be too much for me and I, "Mrs. Over-Functioning Stellar Employee" was beginning to be unable to keep up with the numerous case notes and reports. At this point, I am completely unable to go out to eat or shop because of my hypervigilance and anxiety level. Everything and everyone feels threatening. I am becoming extremely sensitive to everything people say to me. This means that I was fragmenting more and more and leaving more messages on Geoffrey's answering machine and we were having unscheduled telephone sessions on the weekends. I was not in a good place. But, as long as I could do my meetings and most of my documentation, I was fine!!

I was not about to tell Geoffrey about the severity of the suicidal thoughts...I knew where that would lead. I also felt that I was not going to act on my thoughts. It never occurred to me that it might be helpful to talk about them and let him make a clinical decision. I had it under control. However, I was never dishonest with him. Sometimes, I would unconsciously omit things though, but if he asked he received the truth.