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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Entry: May 25, 2005 - 6:30 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling really depressed, hopeless and suicidal. I just want to disappear and withdraw from everyone and everything. Feels like as I've gone through each day that it has become more difficult to be present. I feel really withdrawn and protective. I keep thinking everyone is angry with me or tired of me. Feeling really bad. Everything feels so overwhelming and demanding. Feeling panicky. I feel like I just need to just go away. Everything feels so threatening. Feeling like crying too. I just feel so awful. Sometimes, I feel like it would be better of if I were dead. I want so much just to go away and die. Sometimes, I wonder if you really know how badly I feel and how everyday is such a struggle for me.

Note: Obviously, I was really depressed. Looking at it now, I realize that was a flashback because that was how I felt when I was young. Also, fragmenting, meaning here, that I was merging with feeling like a child and was unable to access the adult part of me that could comfort and deal with this as a professional, but not able to apply it to myself. My process is to feel this way until I feel heard and understood which means that I understand what I'm trying to say through all of this. That was to come later.

I also bring up crying which has always been difficult for me because the moment I feel any twinge of wanting to cry I make it a bad thing and shut everything down. My family has said that I was a quiet baby and did not cry much. Abuse was the reason that I stopped crying which I will explain later as I write more about what has happened to me.

Work was also beginning to be too much for me and I, "Mrs. Over-Functioning Stellar Employee" was beginning to be unable to keep up with the numerous case notes and reports. At this point, I am completely unable to go out to eat or shop because of my hypervigilance and anxiety level. Everything and everyone feels threatening. I am becoming extremely sensitive to everything people say to me. This means that I was fragmenting more and more and leaving more messages on Geoffrey's answering machine and we were having unscheduled telephone sessions on the weekends. I was not in a good place. But, as long as I could do my meetings and most of my documentation, I was fine!!

I was not about to tell Geoffrey about the severity of the suicidal thoughts...I knew where that would lead. I also felt that I was not going to act on my thoughts. It never occurred to me that it might be helpful to talk about them and let him make a clinical decision. I had it under control. However, I was never dishonest with him. Sometimes, I would unconsciously omit things though, but if he asked he received the truth.

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