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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Entry: April 2004

Geoffrey,

I took my meds, but still can't seem to calm enough to sleep...to just not feeling well...a little buzzy, achy and my stomach hurts. I go from wanting to cut, burn or bruise to just wanting to disappear and die.

I've had many evenings of feeling like this and used to go to school without much sleep. Feeling bad...just want to take all my meds or hurt myself...make the feelings go away. I guess, I just feel really awful.

I'll just take my PRN's and hopefully be able to sleep. See you tomorrow.

Observations: My anxiety was partly a flashback to having grown up in this manner. My vagueness about feeling awful indicates that I did not have adequate language when my original trauma took place. My inability to step away from my feeling led me to that being the only thing that existed, so I fragmented and went to the wanting to die and hurt myself which helped me survive as a child, but now keeps me stuck.

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