Entry: May 20, 2005 - 11:00 am

Geoffrey,

I've been feeling a bit out of control with being overwhelmed, panicky, wanting to cut and wanting to kill myself. I get frustrated because I want to make it go away, but cannot seem to do so. I get scared that it is never going to stop. Partly, because it has been going on for so long. Even, not being able to sleep through the night and having nightmares. Last night, I dreamt that I was standing on the roof of a building getting ready to jump. Then, I woke up panicky. Then, I had a similar dream with being on the edge of a cliff, but at the end someone pushed me and I woke up panicky again.

Sometimes, especially during the past few weeks, the suicidal thoughts have been so loud that it begins to seem to make sense to follow through. And, I have thoughts about jumping which is new for this period, but in college taking pills and jumping were the most consistent things I thought about.

Taking today off was good as my feelings were overwhelming and my anxiety has been a bit lower. However, the suicidal thoughts are just as loud. I have also requested to take one or two days off for the next four months. You and Dr. Doobe helped put this in perspective and allowed me to make it okay to do so.

I know I keep saying this but, I really cannot remember a time other than the time between the first and second go around where I did not have suicidal thoughts or just wanted to disappear and die. Lately, the wanting to die sometimes is as loud and distressing as when I was in high school and college. Sometimes it gets so loud that all I can hear is that I want to kill myself.

Sometimes, I think that you do not take me seriously or that I say it too often. I guess, sometimes, too I'm afraid that you really do not believe me. I know that is what my Mother and James, step-father did, but sometimes it makes sense in my head and then the thoughts and urges get louder.

[Although I had a suicide attempt in high school and my friends talked to my Mother about being afraid that I was suicidal, she did not take it seriously and ignored it telling them that I've always been dramatic and that they don't need to worry. Also, it may sound like I'm hearing voices or having some type of delusion or hallucination, but I was not].

It feels good to be able to talk about it with you and to finally have someone to hear the thoughts, but then it turns into something bad or that you are angry or do not believe me or that I'm being dramatic.

Sometimes, I even feel afraid that you will yell at me or hit me. Sometimes, it feels like I want to say more as I do not always say everything that is going on in my head...I guess, I'm scared to say more. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot handle it and that I'm getting myself into trouble, but I'm scared to say anything to you. Then, I think I can handle this...I'm okay.

Sometimes, it also makes me sad that I have never really had anyone to talk to who can really listen to what goes on inside my head...often there is so much more than what I actually say. Also, makes me sad to realized how long this has been going on...I can remember having suicidal thoughts while at home or at my grandparent's home or in the car.

I have been feeling really awful and sometimes I just want to give up fighting to not act on the urges. Sometimes things get twisted enough where I start to believe that it will not matter to anyone or that others would be better off without me. The tape and what you wrote does help, but the fight in my head gets to be such a battle and sometimes I get really tired and hopeless. And sometimes, I just do not matter to myself. Sometimes, I just want to cry from this stress because it just feels so bad and I realize it has been this way for a long time...maybe, always.

[Geoffrey had been recording encouraging or positive thoughts on a recording device, so that I could hear his voice and replay it. Also, prior to this he had given me a list of similar things that he wrote for me.]