Entry: June 11/12, 2005 ~ 9:00 pm/4:00 pm

Geoffrey,

You suggested that I write about being scared about facing my sadness and pain. I think my bruising and the suicidal thoughts are a reaction to what we have been talking about...I don't think I realized how much sadness and pain...and terror are all involved. (Feeling buzzy now) Sometimes, it is easier to be angry, even though that scares me too. But, the sadness and pain really scare me...partly because my immediate response to feeling it is wanting to die followed by wanting to kill myself...and I feel really bad...like I'm bad because those feelings are there. I'm not supposed to be sad or hurt. Feels so intense and awful. Feels like I went through everyday feeling like I was bad, that something was wrong with me, that it was my fault that I hurt...that I could somehow do something to change it or I made it happen.

I think I was depressed all the time, at least, since first grade. Right now, I don't remember before. Felt like wanting to cry out of pain or fear most of the time or wanting to scream out of anger or confusion. Crying scares me so much because I feel so out of control and I tried so hard not to let anyone know how much I hurt and wanted to cry.

Did not dare cry in front of my father or about him...never let him see how much he hurt me...never let my Mom know because she gets so angry or cries. Never cry in front of James...don't know what will happen..probably get teased or told I'm being dramatic or just trying to get attention. Never cry in front of my Mom...don't know if she will be angry or if I will need to discount my feelings, so she will calm down or so that I can take care of her. Never let her know how much she hurt me when she yelled, screamed, hit me or took his side. Don't let anyone know how scared I was all the time of someone, including me, getting hurt or dying...wished sometimes, James or my mother, would die. But, I always wanted to die.

Scared to let anyone know how afraid I was of James. How afraid I was of my mother. Scared to let anyone know how bad I felt everyday. I just wanted to die. I wanted to make the pain stop. I wanted my mother to make James go away. I wanted her just to give me a little bit of comfort...no where to really go for that. (Damn, tearing up now!)

I'm really terrified to feel how much pain I was in. Just thinking about some of the things is overwhelming. It is like I don't want to admit or talk about what was so painful and in someways terrifying. Feels like I'm going to die...I get buzzy, my chest hurts and feels like I can't breathe. Just feeling how bad I felt I was and how much that was reinforced seems so overwhelming and makes me want to go away and just die.

The suicidal thoughts are so strong. If I died it would make the pain stop. After the Tylenol overdose, the wanting to die or kill myself became everyday thoughts. I lost ALL hope that things would ever change for the better, it proved things would just get worse, proved I needed to hide my feelings, that no one would ever understand how I felt or care, felt so alone, so scared, so confused, so overwhelmed, so anxious, so bad and so hopeless. [I was only in 15 when I took the overdose]

Felt like I really numbed out and made a vow that I would never tell. I lost any hope that there would ever be anyone that would listen to me, comfort me and understand. Felt like everyone and everything became even more unsafe...no one was ever going to understand or help me (Tearing up now).

I don't want to feel those feelings again even though I really didn't feel them then. But, it makes me so anxious thinking about it now...The feeling, so alone, unheard and misunderstood. Feel so hopeless...really want to kill myself. Whenever, I start to feel just a bit of my pain, rage or terror, I go to the wanting to kill myself, cut, bruise or burn. At least, that is pain I can control and it will numb me out.

Feels like pain, rage and terror are the feelings that I defend against the most. Seem most threatening...like if I allow myself to go there something really bad will happen. I really want to bruise and take the pills and curl up and die. Everyday, I really had thoughts of dying or killing myself, like now (Tearing up again)

Yesterday, I really fought hard against the wanting to kill myself and bruise. But, today before I fully woke up, I just began to bruise myself and even once I realized what I was doing, I didn't want to stop. Now, I'm feeling really bad and angry at myself for not only starting, but for not stopping.

Leaving you messages this afternoon helped as did remembering seeing and hearing you in the hallway telling me that you really don't want me to die. I think my acting out is both a reaction to what we have been talking about and a defense against feeling more. I'm so scared you are going to leave me in the middle of this and that I will have no where to go. I'm also not feeling safe with me. I really feel out of control and occasionally go into I don't care what I do anymore...I just don't want to feel anymore. But, the feelings are there anyway, so I can either shut them down which creates so much pressure and anxiety or I can trust that you will help me through this and that I can do so.

I know God has been in control of my healing process all along, even with putting us together. I got through 12 years with your before, I suppose I can do this too. It just hurts so much and I feel so hopeless, bad, anxious, overwhelmed and scared all the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if you know that and how difficult this is for me and how confused and jumbled up my feelings seem to me. And, do you know how much it scares me that I usually look forward to being able to talk to you at the end of the day...it seems to help me get through the day (feeling buzzy now) Thinking of putting my hand through a window. The suicidal ideation is really specific now. But, yes I do hear and see you telling me that you don't want me to die. And, I hear myself promising you that I won't kill myself or harm myself.

But, I did break the promise of not bruising. But I was serious when I told you I wouldn't. I think the thoughts are just so loud and I went into auto pilot this morning. I wasn't even fully awake. When I was young, it used to happen when I was just watching television at home alone or in the morning before school or work when I was older...

Right now, I really just want to die. My way of saying how intense things feel. Maybe the same with some of the acting out. Either way I just feel really awful and bad.

Observation: This was a long entry, but at the time it was like writing helped keep me together. It was my survival and my way of knowing that Geoffrey was going to really hear what goes on in my head. When I wrote this out, one of the things that stood out was the Borderline Personality Disorder struggle to trust the very person who can help. My ambivalence including him about so many things gets acted out behaviorally because I had not other words and could not tolerate the feelings at this point in time. There were times when I twisted everything he said into criticism and then would become angry just so I could push him away or that he would push me away. Sometimes, he made mistakes, but then always too responsibility and apologized which was helpful, but extremely painful. There was the Borderline dilemma of pushing and pulling.