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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, May 19, 2008

TODAY!!!! (May 19, 2008) ~ 1:30 pm

I just came back from Geoffrey's office for my Monday session. Tuesday, is psychiatrist, Dr. Doobe and then Wednesday through Friday is Geoffrey again. I am sometimes surprised at how much I have to say to Geoffrey, but I guess I went too many years without saying anything. Oh, he even said that today that having difficulty saying things was why I was there.

Anyway, this past weekend and this morning was a reactionary freak out moment. I was quite overwhelmed, anxious and felt out of control. I'm frustrated that my attorney from an auto accident in October 2006, has not been in contact with me for almost two months. He has not returned my calls or responded to my email messages. All I want is to have no out of pocket expenses after all I was clearly not at fault with the accident, but the other party's insurance is being a pain and not offering a fair deal. I just want this thing settled, but in order to, at least, get my attorney fees paid, I may have to go into litigation. I don't think I can handle that.

Then, my stupid insurance company only authorizes 20 session per year with my psychiatrist and 20 with my therapist because they are out of network and there is not justification. Well, there is no way I am going to change therapist not after more than 20 years and my psychiatrist and I have gone through so many changes in medications and they still aren't quite right. So, I have to appeal both. One was enough, but now both. Are they crazy...20 session per year, even at what used to be traditional one time a week therapy, that doesn't begin to cover it. With my psychiatrist, I haven't been exactly stable, so I was going about every other week or once a week when we would start new medications.

Both have submitted treatment authorizations and they still want justification of continued treatment doesn't Major Depression, Recurrent, Moderate and PTSD cover it and that I am unable to work. Hello...McFly!!! Now, I am not unreasonable I am not asking them to cover my therapy at four times per week, but at least one time per week and whatever my psychiatrist decides is medically necessary. And don't even get me into continuity of care!!! No they are not interchangeable.

The biggest thing that has me freaking out and something that I hadn't intended to talk about is my eating disorder. (Geoffrey, if you are reading this yes, I just admitted that I have one!) I'll save my funny medication journey for another post, but for this post all you need to know is that I have gained close to 50 pounds. It started gradually about two years ago with a change in medication, but at that time I was underweight (Okay, I admitted that one too...I promised myself that I would be open and honest in this blog...Tuesday, I'll deny what ever is in here!). Then over the last year it has really been a problem.

I went from a size 24 to a 29 or 30. Or from a 00 to a 6 or 8. Now, I've never been more than a size 4 except for in high school. My breast also have grown from barely an 34A cup to more than double in size to a 34D/36D cup. With it being so hot, I discovered that I can't fit into some of my new clothing. So, I weighed myself and freaked out especially since I know that I might need a bigger cup size. Husband very happy...wife feels very out of control.

I hate being out of control. I feel out of control right now with some of the circumstances I wrote about at the beginning and with the increasing flashbacks and nightmares about some of the more sadistic sexual abuse that I just can't bring my self to speak of again. But, I know I need to do so (Okay, now I'm tearing up and starting to go away, so I won't think about it.) This is the reason, I think my weight freaked me out so much to the point that I wanted to stop some of my medications even though I'm doing better...I'm not that much better.

My apologies to those who are overweight. I always get comments like, "I'd kill just to be your size." But, to me I hate looking at myself and I feel so fat. Sometimes, I tell my husband I feel like a beached whale. I really want to be thin again or at least have control over being able to lose. I can't seem to lose even when I exercise, change my diet or stop eating. Nothing I did before works. Today, everything feels out of control and I just want to stop all my medications...uh, oh...there goes the borderline all or nothing thinking. I just want to be able to lose weight again...it is a huge loss of something that was comforting. It makes me angry! I know that the real issue is control and not the weight, but I just don't feel good about me.

Sorry to ramble so. I keep feeling like I have to apologize when I write, write lengthy posts, or give anyone a comment. Like I need to apologize for having a voice or taking up space. I'm doing this more and more as I put myself out here in the blogsphere more and more. I also feel guilty for asking for feedback on my depression post especially since no one has responded, but it is only Monday here!! Okay, I'm just having a rough time, so it isn't time to reduce medications, huh! (Oh, it goes without saying that my suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut is really high!!) I think I just needed to vent and a little comfort and understanding. (To top it off Blogger crashed on me and I had to redo more than half of this post and I was saving after every paragraph or sooner...Grrr!!!)


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