PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 1, 2005 ~ Pain, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges!

Geoffrey,

I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept feeling overwhelmed and panicky and just really scared. My stomach and chest hurt and my throat was tight. Felt like I was terrified, at times, and that is how I kept waking up until I took my PRN. Felt like crying too.

Felt the same this morning and tired...got really frustrated with myself and felt bad because I couldn't focus enough to complete even one of my charts. Kept feeling panicked and overwhelmed. Wanting to cut and bruise.

My chest hurts right now and my throat is tight. Flashbacks have been intrusive and disturbing. Wish I could just turn it off.

Over the weekend, a lot of the times, it felt like I did when we lived in the house...the constant thoughts of wanting to die or kill myself. Had those thoughts today, but they were not as loud.

Been thinking a little about what things mean. Self injury usually has to do with being angry, feeling bad or trying to numb out. The wanting to die is usually about trying to say how painful things are and having an escape. The wanting to kill myself seems more of trying to say how much pain I'm in and having an out. The book you let me borrow talks about it being partly about control...about having control of ending the pain.

I'm not sure what the nothing matters is. I don't matter, the promises I made don't matter. It is like I totally disconnnect from others and myself. Maybe it is about feeling hopless and saying that I'm tired. It is really loud and constant and sometimes, I feel like just giving up. It is disconnecting from everything. Not wanting to feel, think or remember anymore. And feeling hopeless that it won't end. Feeling totally alone, misunderstood, that no one will ever understand or listen, or comfort me.

Remember feeling/thinking that growing up. Thinking back, I felt like that frequently especially after getting hit, yelled at or during/after the sexual abuse. The just wanting to die...that it wouldn't matter if I died. Felt like that as an infant, at my grandparents, at my step-father's parents house, where I lived and through college.

I've have always had really scary and dark thoughts. So much pain never allowed to feel. So many tears and screams deep inside...the rule, never let anyone know or see. It really doesn't matter, I'm okay. I need to be okay. Don't let anyone hear...too dangerous. Can't let anything matter. Hurts too much. Need to just go away. Never let anyone know. Never talk. Never share. Never cry or scream. Need to stay silent and pretend everything is okay.

Observations: At this point, I am having more difficulty coping and it is really effecting my work. I remember feeling this because it still occurs now when I am fragmenting or defending. Then, I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was trying to tell myself and my therapist. Two, great questions to ask are "What am I defending against?" and "What am I trying to say?" I can do that now, but back then I don't think it was possible because my feelings and thoughts were my whole focus. I was in just getting through the day mode without harming myself and not going away as much. I also completed fingerpaints on this day which are posted on the Courageous Steps site.