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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 6/7, 2005 ~ Flashbacks, screaming and crying!! (Part I)



I've been kind of numb tonight. I feel really drained by today's session and somewhat relieved. Like, I got some of the screams and tears out. Still feels like more might be helpful. Maybe, later on, as I don't feel finished. The screaming and crying seems to help convey what I can't put into words or that there are no words for. Really scared me though...hearing your voice and just knowing you were there felt comforting and safe.

[We had set aside some extra long sessions as my crying seemed to begin as the sessions were supposed to be winding down leaving me without being able to cry in session and feeling frustrated. The really interesting thing is that last week, we set aside two extra long session to do just the same thing. I felt better afterwards and not so alone. Today, my therapist told me that if I cried at the beginning of every session he would think that is great as I have enough to cry about and that it would be helpful as he hears more about what is going on with me than with my words.]

Sometimes, I had no idea what I was screaming or crying about. Lots of flashbacks during it. Lots of different feelings...pain, sadness, abandonment, feeling alone, rage, anger, terror, hopelessness, physical pain, confusion and other that I can't identify...sometimes, just no words. Felt very, very young. Remembered scratching or digging my fingers into the carpet and dirt...and in bed. Feel like crying now.

Feeling bad...too dramatic...too sensitive...over-reacting...making it up. Also, aware that we went over the time. Feels like I revealed a part of myself that was supposed to stay quiet and hidden. Now, I'm wanting to die. Really wanting to injure myself. Feeling really bad and in pain. [My reaction whenever I tell the truth, same as last week although not as bad.]

Also, feels good to have shared with you and to have you listen. I felt so young, trapped, terrified and sometimes hadn't a clue of what I was feeling. Feels like I still need to scream and cry some. Seemed to make the memories more real. Felt good to just have you there talking to me..the most prominent feeling was of terror.

Remembered being in my crib feeling overwhelmed and scared of all the noise of everyone arguing with the television on. Feeling terrified when I couldn't breathe. Also, seeing my father's hand come down hard on my face...really scared me and hurt. Wanting to push my mother's hand off my face, but being unable to do so. Confused...too much noise. Learned not to cry out loud or scream, but really wanting to do so. Wanting to disappear.

Remember standing on the porch when I was about two after my mother took us to my grandparents in the middle of the night and my mother crying and being loud...didn't understand the words. Then, my father came...they argued and I stood on the porch watching him screech out of the driveway. Listening to my mother cry and yell with my grandparents. Felt terrified, confused, abandoned and so alone. Felt like I didn't matter and that no one would even notice if I were gone. Tearing up again and wanting to die.

Observations: I remember this session and it was gut wrenching. After this week, the thing is that I know I have more crying. I told my therapist Monday that almost everyday I walk into his office and feel myself begin to tear up. Crying is such a difficult thing for me and frustrating because even when I want to I can't...partly because I don't want to feel.


Anonymous said...

I can relate. I hate that bit about seeing my therapist.

Each and every time I would dissolve into tears.

For the hours leading up to my next session, I'm always aware of this. I'm also aware I feel very together right up until I walk through the door.

Whilst its good, ofcourse, its still so frustrating to know so much is still hiding inside!

Laura said...

I think crying is such an integral part of the healing process. I wish I could cry a river of tears.

Clueless said...

Svasti ~ Yes, I have a lot hiding even from myself. I like that you are aware of this in yourself.

Drifter ~ If you have a river of tears to cry, what stops you?. I know, I have more than a river and I get in my own way.

Anonymous said...

Crying, over all, is very cleansing. I'm so happy to know you feel safe to do this with your therapist. It's very very good for you!

Clueless said...

Whatever...yea, I know it is good...doesn't mean I have to like it!! Thanks for the support. :-)

Anonymous said...

i have never cried in therapy. i've been seeing this therapist for 1 1/2 years.

recently, i broke both of my ankles and we were doing phone sessions for awhile.

i allowed myself to cry over the phone.

but now that i'm using a cane and am up and around again, i'm doing face to face sessions, and even when i want to-- i still cannot cry.

Clueless said...

Well, it took me a year before I told him that he was mispronouncing my name. It must have been about 5 years or more before I cried even a little. I've known my therapist for almost 22 years and it was only 3 years ago that I sobbed and screamed. For me, it is one of the most difficult things to do. I have huge trust issue and issues with crying...obviously. About a little more than three years ago he stated, "I still don't understand after all this time why you have such a difficult time crying and talking?"

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