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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 6/7, 2005 ~ Flashbacks and screaming and crying!! (Part II)


Remember, how much I wanted to scream and cry when my step-father locked me in the garage. And, how painful it was when he kept inserting the hammer...Felt like I was going to die. Also, felt like I was going to die when he forced himself on me. Either die from the pain or afraid that he would kill me. Sometimes, there were no actual memories, at least, specific ones...just feelings. Really feel like crying now.

Today my body aches...like I worked out. I keep going away and feel like something awful is going to happen to me or my husband. This morning, he came back into the house and he "said one last kiss." I started to think, I wasn't going to see him again and began to panic and asked him to call me when he arrived at work or to text message me. He forgot, so I ended up calling him. He was quite apologetic.

Today, I was really sensitive to what people were saying or how they were responding to me. Everything was bad. I got overwhelmed at the talent show...loud and crowded. [Okay, borderline personality reaction...fear of abandonment and I'm all bad (splitting)]

Feeling panicky and overwhelmed and a sense of dread. The suicidal thoughts and wanting to bruise and cut are really loud. I really, really want to hurt myself. Part of it is that I really need to catch up on my documentation. Also, feelings seem overwhelming as are the flashbacks. I'm tearing up again. Scares me that I felt so safe and comforted by you yesterday. I keep thinking it is a bad thing to want or receive.

I also am feeling a bit panicked, as the holidays approach. Last night my husband told me that he is going to have to work over time and weekends through the end of the year. Also, they are not going to approve any vacations. I had previously suggested that he take some time off before the end of summer as this happens almost every year and then, he gets sick. I keep thinking that means this year, I have to take care of the Christmas shopping. Also, panicking a little as your schedule will also change. [more BPD reacting/thinking]

Yesterday, I was surprised at how scared I was in the flashbacks and how much I really wanted to scream and cry and how afraid I was to do so...felt so unsafe. It seems like that is how I felt all the time. Sometimes, it felt like I needed to die or disappear or just hide in a corner. Also, hurt so much emotionally and just remembering some of the physical pain was difficult.

Remember how much it hurt when she slapped me and how I immediately stopped from crying.

Feel a bit embarrassed of screaming and crying. Shared a part of me that I've tried to keep hidden even from myself. I really feel like crying which maybe why it is so loud in my head.

Observations: There is a huge difference between how I reacted to this crying session compared to last week's. I can see the progress. I did react some, but it was really managable with PRNs, I felt safer with my therapist, felt proud of myself and was able to feel good about me and my therapist. And, I am not embarrassed for crying. It is good for me to see the progress.


Immi said...

It's super that you're feeling safer with these things now, CC. And being proud of yourself is really quite a triumph. Good for you!

Clueless said...

Immi, Thank you. It was really good for me to see.

April_optimist said...

It does get easier. And it's great to see that you recognize how far you've come--because if we don't, it's hard to keep going. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

That's wonderful that you can step back and see the progress. It's very important for each of us to do that as well. We all need to sometimes pause, while climbing up that huge mountain and not feel weary by how much further we have left to go--but to simply marvel at how far we have come.


Anonymous said...

It's no wonder you might feel worried about getting used to being comforted.

But you don't have to be worried about it here. It's not going to be withdrawn randomly. It's an always thing as you know. The sad thing is that comfort is something we all need from infancy . . .if we don't get that foundation because of the luck of the draw--we end up with abusers or neglecters--we grow up to crave it while being suspicious of it at the same time.

It takes good relationships and reliable support for that to be overcome, but the encouraging thing is that the way our brains see things can be rewired. Good relationships help change us. Unfortunately sometimes in a knee-jerk reaction we cut off the good relationships along with the bad, thinking we can do it all on our own. (Speaking for myself only).

Clueless said...

snowwhitequeen, I emailed you my response. I hope you received it.

Thanks, April and Optimist really fits. You are such a great cheerleader for me. Thank you.

Melinda...it astounds me how far I've come over these years especially the past two since I stopped working. And, today I can allow myself to feel proud without feeling bad...at least for today, but it has to start somewhere.

anonymous, you speak also for me! Thank you.

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