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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Today's session ~ Childhood, sexual abuse & torture

I don't really know why I'm writing. I guess, I just need to say that I am feeling a out of sorts. I'm really hypervigilant, emotionally achy, have a headache, feel like crying and am dissociating. I had my second 1 1/2 hour long session today. We talked about my mother and yesterday and blogging. Then, I told him about flashbacks that have been occurring for about two months now.

They have to do with my being tied to the ping-pong table and being tortured and sexually abused with spiders, bugs in the garage and snails. I don't want to really write anything else, but it is very disturbing to me. I'm glad I told him, but I think that I am realizing that it really did happen and it was horrible. I think, I just need a little bit of comfort right now. I'm really tired. I've been awake since 2 am and the little bit of sleep that I did get was filled with unknown nightmares. My childhood was a nightmare...I want to fully wake up and get away from its hold.
I think that I will take both of my PRNs and take a nap.

6 comments:

Hopeful Happiness said...

Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through such horrible trauma as a child. I'm glad you are talking to someone about all your painful memories. I hope talking and writing helps you heal, I wish there was something I could do to help. The best thing I can offer is my friendship, I just wish there was more I could do. If you ever need to talk I’m a great listener.

Thank you for stopping by my blog. Please feel free to come by anytime!
*hugs*

Clueless said...

hopeful happiness, thank you and you are welcome. I'll be seeing you.

take care,
clueless

Catatonic Kid said...

((((((Hugs))))))

I wish I could do more, too. Take some of the pain away but I know I can't. I understand the wanting to wake up already feeling, though. Sure makes a lot of sense to me.

Clueless said...

Thanks CK...I wish I could do the same for you too. But, I know it is a step forward. (((((CK)))))

Ash said...

Hey love,

I'm sending you all kinds of warm and healing thoughts!

Tamara said...

((((Clueless))))

I am so very sorry. I know how difficult it is realizing that it really happened. Maybe, though, that will allow you to process all the trauma and continue to heal on a deeper level. This is really hard work that you are doing. You have my deepest admiration for continuing to share your story and your feelings and emotions.

Love,
Tamara

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