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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, September 29, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part I ~ Depression



Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

For the most of the day, I've been feeling really depressed and the suicidal thought/plans have been really, really loud as has been wanting to really hurt myself or cut and bruise. I had difficulty getting out of bed and got up and laid on the couch until my husband went to work. Then, I went back to bed and slept on and off until about 1:30 pm. Didn't feel like showering or brushing my teeth.


Tried to catch up on work, but couldn't focus. Tried to play computer games, listen to the tapes from church, and do some laundry. Did the laundry, but curled up in bed. Finally, took a shower around 2:30 pm and still couldn't focus enough to do anything especially work.

It has been really loud in my head and I've been wanting just to curl up and die. Having flashbacks of being at my step-father's parents. I left you some messages and fingerpainted [which is posted on my Courageous Steps blog for today]. After I painted, I left a message. At the end began to cry and started sobbing into the office pillow you gave me. Cried for almost an hour.

I think, the fingerpainting made me realize that the thoughts had to do with being in pain. When I begin to cry, I had some images of me crying sitting in the dirt after my step-father's father forced himself on me. Also, sitting on the garage floor crying and rocking, which I was doing on the bed after they had forced themselves on me, and after being spanked by my mother and step-father.

Also, had an image of me sitting on my grandparents porch, curled up and crying. So much pain...other feelings in the crying, but don't know what they are. The most prominent is pain. Then, I just wanted to really hurt myself, cut, bruise, take the pills...anything to stop from hurting. I'm tearing up now.

Observations: From reading this, it sounds like I am getting more depressed, dissociating/fragmenting more frequently which is effecting my concentration. Basically, I am continuing my spiral downward and my work is really beginning to be effected. I noticed that I am also calling Geoffrey more which means I'm becoming for fragmented and needing him to ground me. This is the first part of this entry. Tomorrow, I will finish the entry. Also, don't forget to go to Courageous Steps to check out the corresponding fingerpaintings that go with this date.

3 comments:

Ana said...

(((((Clueless)))))
I don't know what to say.
I wish I could do or say something.
But I know I only can tell you that I'm here reading you and hopng you find some piece.

Clueless said...

Ana,

You don't need to say anything. This was three years ago and I'm not in the same place. Thank you for the thoughts though. And, I'm keeping the hugs.

TMinut said...

You said that was three years ago but I thought the comment was more recent. I'm happy to hear it's not. I've known too many kids who went through things like this, the first time I met a female who claimed to have never been abused, molested, or assaulted was when I was 30 years old!
Since then I've found out how horribly prevalent it is for boys too.

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