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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

...Drama Continues

(Please refer to yesterday's entry if you want the background) Since I didn't sleep and was not fragmenting, I wrote an email to Arleen.  The following is the email:

Thank you for letting me know what is going on with Grandma. Sounds like it was a really frustrating situation that you didn't get to be involved. I'm sorry that it went that way. Were they specific regarding when the pulmonologist would be requested? I'm glad that the plan is for two weeks, but does that include sending her home with oxygen? I know that you were not able to participate, but was Grandma involved in the meeting? How is she doing? I didn't get a chance to call her last night as planned as I was out in the rain for three doctor appointment. (I left the cake out in the rain...did you see the green ice slowly melting? Name that tune!)

I wish that I could have been there. I even asked two of my doctors if a wear a mask and gloves if I could go. He said, "absolutly not that I can't be in a hospital or a nursing home." It is extremely frustrating for me because I have really been wanting to visit her when she was in the hospital and a nursing home.

I am really sorry for the messages that I left last night. I'm not trying to make excuses what I did was wrong. However, I was really hurt and it felt like you were breaking all ties with me without even letting me know verbally. (I sobbed for a couple hours after I read your email) I hope that this doesn't do any further damage to our relationship, but I understand if it does. But, do know that I am extremely remorseful. I'm sorry that I screwed thing up. If it helps any, I did the same thing with my therapist and later called to apologize. I was going to call you, but was afraid that you would be angry because I was leaving another message.

I would have responded to your message earlier, but I didn't get home from S. Pas until 5:30...with the pouring rain it took me 1 1/2 hours to get home. I was exhausted after leaving you the first message and knew that I wasn't in a place to respond to your email...but, duh...I didn't realize that I also shouldn't have left you a message either...sometimes, the brain doesn't kick when I want it too especially when I am hurt, angry or feel misunderstood. So, I don't want to screw things up anymore than they are already. I'm really afraid that I have lost you again...I don't want the last words that I hear from you is you yelling to me about how to handle Michael.

I'm sorry that Judy felt that I was rude and disrespectful. I'm sorry if that I hurt her feeling and made her angry. My brief side is: At the beginning of the conversation, I told her that I was not really feeling well. I do listen to her talk and try to be supportive. I only cut her off when she started to go into Filipinos and how the U.S recruits them and they take away jobs and that it is Hillary Clinton's fault. I also did tell her of my experiences and how I worked with nursing homes if there was no follow through.

I hope that given the your email that you will still keep me in the loop regarding Grandma. I hope that this make sense as it is 2:30 am...I was worried about us and Grandma, so I am probably up for the day. I don't want to make another mistake in saying very inappropriate things, so my proofreader (?) reader will do his thing later and then I will send it. Again, I really regret what I said on you cellular VM. I was wrong and hope that this doen't drive a further wedge between us as I really do emotionally feel like you are my mother and that you and Judy are really the only family that I have, but it sounds like I lost my relationship with you too. I do love the both of you.

Thanks (hopefully) for listen to my 2 am rambling.

Love you both,


Second email:  oops, I think fourth paragraph? I didn't mean that you were yelling at me. Just that you were in another place and needed to yell so that Judy and I could hear you. I don't ever recall you yelling at me...maybe, firm...but never raising voice unless you were try to irritate me by singing funny. :-)

After my husband read it and I sent it, he informs me that he had a two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen last night. It wasn't a good thing...stay tuned tomorrow for details.  I was extremely hurt, angry and felt betrayed by my husband.

Oh, by the way, all of this time...my suicidal thoughts and self-injury thoughts are intense. This is out of the "I am bad" which goes along with my self-hatred.


Ish said...

I love to read your blog its very interesting, keep it up! and more power!
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