Vulnerable ~ adjective. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded .
Risk ~ verb. to venture upon; take or run the chance of.
My mental illness has often revealed true friendship and trust. I’ve learned in painful ways that who I thought were my friends really were not. During my first hospitalization in the 1990’s, I lost a friendship of more than 15 years. Unfortunately, my hospitalization coincided with her boyfriend of seven years breaking up with her.
But, once I was discharged, we talked and she told me how I had abandoned her, in her time of most need. Also, that she didn’t like the way I was acting before I went into the hospital and that she did not want to be friends with me if I was going to be that way again. We scheduled to get together and I cancelled deciding that it wasn’t a true friendship, if I have to be a certain way. This was quite a painful lesson. (By the way, I didn't like the way I was acting either and the way I was acting was an indication that I needed hospitalization.)
Recently, since I’ve been letting more people know about the things in which I struggle, I have found that my feelings are often hurt the more I trust and become vulnerable. Generally, my moods and ability to deal with things are up and down. During these times, I am not my usual self. I become vague, tentative, quiet, confused and unable to track conversations. I had opened up with someone and apparently these behaviors are not acceptable for her to continue to trust me in a relationship.
Needless to say, I am angry, hurt and sad. However, I still believe that it is important to continue to reach out in trusting others which has taken me “forever” to learn. With my history, trust is a hard fought battle, but I have seen and enjoy the benefits. However, I am a little more protective and cautious now as a reaction to recent events. As a side note, I am having difficulty with a lot of intense emotions coming up in therapy, so I may appear inconsistent...please bare bear with me. :-) Really a mistake. Thanks for letting me vent.
Is trusting someone worth the risk of getting hurt for you and why?