PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part III

For those who are new or don't remember, part of my blog consisted of past journal entries with my comments. I am returning to adding some of that in. Please do not be alarmed at what is written as these are three to four years old. My hope for me is that I can see how far I've come. My hope for you is that it gives you hope that it really does get better and helps you to articulate what you might be feeling. My current comments are in purple. (To see other past journal entries click here).

Programming already in progress (click here to see the beginning in this December/January series):

This is the third in series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. At the time, my therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much...well, as I read it...maybe, it was still a major issue.

Gary (therapist),

Sometimes, the thought, "I hate you for leaving" runs through my head. Makes me feel worse. I really wish I didn't forget the mug (whenever, he went away, I would have his coffee mug with his name engraved until he came back). Reading the cards just seems to make me more angry because I don't have a current one, but the Christmas gift helps especially what it is...feels so confusing...and I want to cry because you are gone and I want to scream, one because I'm angry. Feel bad about both...want to make you not exist. (if he doesn't exist, then there is no connection, so I'm not angry or hurt...it doesn't "matter")

...Today (Saturday), I woke up wanting to cut, bruise and drink the alcohol with my medications. I felt really disconnected, nothing mattered and I just didn't care. I didn't want to interact with Adrian (husband) and didn't want to leave anymore messages (To my therapist)I was feeling really numb and nothing matterd to me.

I decided to return some items to Norstrom. On the way there, I purchased some razors and some vodka. I didn't feel like working, so played computer games and tried to warm up as I didn't bring a jacket and it was pouring, so I got really cold. I took a shower to warm up and I cut. (Obviously, I was in trouble. What I know now is that I was angry for him leaving; however, I was really angry at myself. Angry that I wanted to be able to talk with him...self-hatred.)

This evening I took my medications with about 1/4 cup of the alcohol. I feel even more numb and much calmer...didn't argue with Adrian today, but I kept my distance. Like I wanted to completely disconneted from everyone. Right now, I'm not sorry that I cut because it really calmed me down and numbed me out more. However, I am sorry I drank the alcohol...I know that I pushed too far...kind of scared myself. The suicidal thought are loud as is really feeling bad. I don't want to tell you...actually earlier I just wanted to cancel...still do. Afraid of your response. Wanting to just curl up and die. (I really pushed the edge...I was afraid that he would hospitalize me.)

Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....