PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part III
Programming already in progress (click here to see the beginning in this December/January series):
I decided to return some items to Norstrom. On the way there, I purchased some razors and some vodka. I didn't feel like working, so played computer games and tried to warm up as I didn't bring a jacket and it was pouring, so I got really cold. I took a shower to warm up and I cut. (Obviously, I was in trouble. What I know now is that I was angry for him leaving; however, I was really angry at myself. Angry that I wanted to be able to talk with him...self-hatred.)
This evening I took my medications with about 1/4 cup of the alcohol. I feel even more numb and much calmer...didn't argue with Adrian today, but I kept my distance. Like I wanted to completely disconneted from everyone. Right now, I'm not sorry that I cut because it really calmed me down and numbed me out more. However, I am sorry I drank the alcohol...I know that I pushed too far...kind of scared myself. The suicidal thought are loud as is really feeling bad. I don't want to tell you...actually earlier I just wanted to cancel...still do. Afraid of your response. Wanting to just curl up and die. (I really pushed the edge...I was afraid that he would hospitalize me.)
Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.
REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.