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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, January 29, 2010

This Monday and Tuesday, the drama continued…

Monday morning, Adrian emailed Judy stating, “Have you or Arleen heard anything new about Grandma? Love, Adrian” Later, Judy responded, “No, Adrian I haven’t but if and when I do. I’ll let you know. Also, please ask Coleen NOT to send any ecards from Hallmark to me. I hope you’re doing ok and lots of love to you always! Hugs, Judy.” (Obviously, before Judy’s response to Adrian I had sent her an ecard apologizing to her which she did not open.)

Monday evening, Adrian emailed Judy stating, “Okay. Thanks. I talked to Coleen and the E-Card she sent you was an apology. She is taking responsibility for what she did. Did you open it? Love, Adrian”

Tuesday afternoon (today), Judy sent an email to Adrian which follows:

Hi Adrian,

No, I didn't open it. Last week, Coleen took the time to email Arleen firstly, with her agenda/questions ~ (of course,)
about Grandma and then requested details. Then, as purely a secondary subject, she apologized to Arleen and then indirectly, to me.
Needless to say, I did not feel sincerity in her apology.

I can't deal with her right now and I know she's sending messages through you and it needs to stop, please. I'll repeat what I've said to you

1. IF and when I hear anything about Masaye, I'll let you know.
2. I feel what Coleen did to Arleen is reprehensible and I, for one, think it shows Coleen's projections. I will never tolerate any person
in my life who would say such outrageous, cruel and UNTRUE things to the woman I love. For me, she has caused irreparable damage.

Feel free to email me anytime, Adrian - but not with Coleen's agendas.


Since Judy was not going to open any e-mail from me, I tried one last attempt at apologizing to her. I didn’t write anything except for the subject line stating, “I am sorry that I hurt your feelings.” I was pretty sure that was the only way to get my apology to her. She sent two emails to me one stating, “THIS is an apology?? SERIOUSLY??” The other one stated, “”There is no need for you to email me or contact me again.” This essential cuts me off from Arleen who raised me and is emotionally my mother.

I want to say that I understand that my fragmenting and leaving the mean messages on Arleen’s voice mail were wrong and that there are consequences for which I am paying. Sometimes when I fragment, it gets bad enough to where I don’t care what I say or do. The unfortunate thing is that Judy is also fragmenting. It isn’t the right thing for me to do, but I go there where I don’t care.. I am feeling angry, hurt and abandoned and my suicidal ideation and self-harm urges are loud. However, I have it in check…so, don’t worry.


GagayMD said...

hi! i love your blog!!! this really gives strength and encouragement to move on for those been abused!!

keep posting!!!

mind for exlinks? kindly ping me if u do,,so could add ur blogs and visit ur here often!! happy sunday!

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