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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

2010 Not Starting Out As Boring!!

As my regular readers know, last year was quite an eventful year.  So, many people have been praying that this year would be boring. Well, it isn't starting that way.  Over the weekend my 88 year old Grandma was hospitalized for difficulty breathing.  They did some testing, but gave no diagnosis and were going to send her home with oxygen.  However, their own reports state that she is weak, not eating and is still having shortness of breath.  She also lives alone.

Although it would have been better for my Grandma to stay in the hospital a couple more days, the hospital without notifying family transferred her to a skilled nursing facility (SNF) for rehabilitation to include physical therapy and respiratory therapy.  I have seven years experience with working with many SNFs, but am extremely frustrated as know one seems to want my opinion or cares about my advice.  Again, I feel like I don't exisit.  It is also creating additional friction within the family.

In therapy, we've been working on my self-hatred, so it has been quite difficult and I keep going into "I'm bad."  Grandma's situation has added to that as I am not able to visit, help figure things out, advocate for her.  I really want to visit with her, but due to my immune system and continued respiratory problems, I have been forbidden by my doctors to go to hospitals and SNF...I know they are right, but I still want to provide support in person and check the place out.  I did call her last night and it seemed to lift her spirits.

Needless to say, I am very concerned, frustrated and my feelings are easily hurt.  What happened to boring?!? Please pray or send up good thoughts for my Grandma and my family.  Thank you.


Now at 8:30 am, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and like I don't exist with my family and that my opinion and experience doesn't matter. Who cares that I've spent seven years of my career working with my clients who resided in skilled nursing facilaties and know them inside and out. Last night, Judy (my aunt's partner seemed ticked off and countered ever thing I said. My aunt didn't come to the telephone even when I had a specific question for her.

This morning, I sent an email to my uncle offerring my assistance in giving him some ideas of what to look out for. Then, I even sent an email to my mother with two suggestions. My uncle responded to my mother's email, but not the one I sent to him. I just feel like I don't matter and know one wants my opinion. I "feel" bad.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. You and she are in my thoughts. But I definitely know what you are talking about when you say you can't visit your grandma. I had a very similar experience and I felt so guilty. But stay strong! I still believe that 2010 will be much better than 2009 for you.

Unknown said...

Alas, oh how well can I relate to what you are feeling right now. For it seems that when I offer some advice to someone about something that they should realize that I really do know a thing or two about, it is usually dismissed out of hand, and then they go and do just the opposite of what I have suggested. Tragically, that is not as bad as feeling like being trapped in a vacuum. For that comes on when their reaction is almost like I never said anything at all.

Nonetheless, our Heavenly Father has always been faithful to let me know that I do count to Him. I hope that never fails to amaze me.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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