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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part IV

Forth in a series while my therapist was away during the holidays of 2006.

...Gary,

Today (Sunday), I woke up feeling badly about the alcohol, so I threw it away. Last night, I didn't sleep very well...different noises kept waking me up and I kept having flashback type nightmares. (Anxiety and still having flashback of my abuse) Was feeling bad (not a feeling, but a thought that was judgemental...borderline dilemma), angry and agitated and cut again.

It really helped make me feel calmer and numbed out which has helped me not to snap at Adrian and to focus on work, but not as much as I wanted. I immediately felt calmer and more grounded and less disorganized when I cut. I am a little remorseful, but I feel so much better it is comforting to me (need to find a different was to self-comfort). I also feel bad that I didn't keep my promises but also trying to figure out when I can cut again or bruise which I haven't done. The goal is to feel better...actually better put is "not to feel"

I was able to utilize the tape, writings and cards. (All of there were from my therapist which included his writings and voice). This was helpful until Friday. Then it really felt like I had to cut...like it was something that I needed to do. I kept thinking of when I can cut again or bruise (addiction!).

With the alcohol, I really regret that. But, I didn't drink enough to do any harm, at least physically. In someways, it reminds me of the overdose of Tylenol...just feeling so angry, bad and wanting to die...but not enough to really kill myself, but really toying with the idea.

I feel really out of control and I want to cancel tomorrow. (Trying to push everyone away because "I am bad.") Maybe, that is one promise that I can keep. In someways, I feel really confused and like things stared to spin downward and the more that happened the more disconnected I felt (always get into trouble when I get disconnected). The more disconnected I felt...the more nothing mattered to me...the more you didn't exist (the more I didn't exist the more was disconnected to myself).

The thoughts of suicide and wanting to harm myself became louder. Now, I feel kind of stuck in looking for the next fix where I can hurt myself. There is a part of me that doesn't want to stop and another part that is scared to stop...it just feels so good...to be numb and calm.

Obviously, I was having a really difficult time and out of control. Up until this year, I had struggled with all of this; however, my therapist being away really made it worse. I can see how much growth there is. I wouldn't carry out such things as I did then. The self-injury is so much an addiction.

To Be Continued...

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