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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What I Discovered and Gained in 2009!!!

There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, but benign. It is lipoma.

Two year lawsuit over a car accident which I was injured and did $4000 damage to my car ended in my favor. Note, I received significantly less than what would cover my expenses, but the insurance company was really nasty and I was clearly not at fault.

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2009 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2009 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia

March 2009 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2009 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09
Funeral Service ~ May 1st
Burial Service ~ May 9th

May 10, 2009 ~ a forty two day psychiatric hospitalization; part of lung collapsed.

July 2009 ~ bronchitis

July 2009 ~ still recovering from pneumonia

August 2009 ~ still having shortness of breath, fatigue and shallow breathing. Testing begins to evaluate immune system.

September 2009 ~ send one of "those" letters to my mother. Family gets turned upside down and lots of chaos and hurtful responses and family closet opens.

October 2009 ~ begin infusion treatment for low antibody. One time per month for a year. Infusion therapy: Via IV, antibody that is low is added to blood stream...Ouch. For me, it takes about 5 hours!!!

November 2009 ~ Aunt had back problems (Aunt is like a mother as she basically raised me). Grandmother showing cognitive problems. Decide not to attend any holidays with family...good decision, but emotional fall out.

December 2009 ~ Aunt's surgery, I get Shingles and family drama continues. I am so tired and frustrated with this year. Hoping next year will be less stressful.

Other things: End two 30 plus year friendships, Vision changes, skin problems all over, and 60 pound weight gain due to medications for pneumonia, urinary tract infection, continue therapy at four times per week, and more!!! Doctors, doctors and more doctors.

Despite all of this there are some very positive things that I learned or occurred (not in any special order):
  1. My faith in God and sense of His presence grew.

  2. My relationship with my husband grew.

  3. I found out who my "real" friends are.

  4. Ended two friendship.

  5. Nurtured two other friendships.

  6. Found out the true colors of my family.

  7. No more secrets in my family, at least, from my end.

  8. Reconnected with my aunt and her partner...priceless

  9. Received much assistance and support from my church family.

  10. Became a gay rights supporter.

  11. Learn more about medical information.

  12. Became more assertive.

  13. Began to like myself more.

  14. Clearly decided to return to school, hopefully a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology.

  15. Discovered that I really have a heart for the disenfranchised.

  16. Gained a new wardrobe due to weight gain. Husband has rule that I cannot leave the house naked.

  17. Even though it has been tough financially, God has provided abundantly.

  18. Have good doctors and had many opportunities to get to know them better.

  19. Discovered that I really like reading and writing my blogs.

  20. Discovered that I have a great support system on line. Thank you!!

  21. I've learned more about what smelling the coffee is all about!!

Share what you have learned or discovered about yourself this year.


Anonymous said...

CC, it's so nice to hear that you are finding the positives amongst some very hard times! That takes a lot of strength.

Hm, as for what I have learned... Going to treatment has brought out my true friends-- I received unending support from a select few people, and these people taught me that there may be something in me that is worth caring about. I cannot thank them enough for that.

Wishing you well,

J said...

First off let me saythat I'm proud of you! I read through much of your last year blog entries and you seem to have grown from all the tough experiences instead of shrinking back and that is very admirable! oh and great news on the pursuit of a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology!

J said...

Here's what I learned in 2009:

oh and please check out my new blog: http://jreborn.blogspot.com/
Thanks CC!

Hot Rocks said...

2009 doesn't sound like it was very good for you. I really hope that 2010 will be a lot better regarding your health and relationships.

Clueless said...

What a good and sad lesson to learn about life...me too this year. It is better knowing.

Thanks for being proud of me and looking at my blog. Oh, I left a message on your blog also. I need to check out your new one. The Psy.D...maybe in a couple of years which mean I will be in my fiftys when I'm on my own, but it has been a twenty year plus dream. I also know that God has plans for me and feel that he would have taken that desire from my heart by now...I really did lay it down on the cross.

Hot Rocks,

Thank you for visiting me here and for the wishes for a better 2010. This blog is a bit different than the other one!!! I have many sides.

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