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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part V (final)

...Some of the dreams have had to do with work...Kathy (supervisor) getting angry with me and backing me into a corner regarding my being behind, therapy sessions and decisions I've made...just felt like Kathy was questioning or being critical about everything I was doing before I left for vacation. (self-hatred having cut and drinking the alcohol. anxiety about telling Gary what I have done.)

Dreams also have to do with my gather leaving, my mother getting angry and feeling trapped by Gene (former step-father). I'm just feeling "bad and angry and scared. I can't seem to attach it to a specific thing...it seems very general, but very intense and I feel really disconnected from everyone including myself. Sometimes, it is really difficult to identify what I am feeling. Sometime, I want to cry, scream or hit.

I do know that I am extremely anxious about tomorrow and I don't want to tell you what I did, but that is worse than just not keeping the promised. Felt like I could only fight for so long until I began to feel disorganized and began to disconnected from you. Afraid of your reaction. Everything was going to "bad" before you left, now even more so...I just want to disappear and die. (These are all my usual reactions to him going away and after the holidays. But, not this year!!!)

Feels like I couldn't handle being angry at you and Adrian for so long with you being gone. Started to feel really overwhelmed, disorganized and disconnected. I really made you not exist and that I didn't matter. The promises just didn't matter, nothing mattered. Just felt really "bad" and angry at the world felt like just screaming and hitting. (Being mad at the world sound like I was an infant being angry that my mother wouldn't come for me...Infants are all feeling. This is what I am feeling about Gary...that he won't come and comfort me in my time of need.)

Now, I feel bad, want to cry, feeling a little sad for what I did and realizing how self-destructive I can be and have been I'm really anxious about talking with you...almost cancelled, but wanted to try to keep my promises. I really wish I didn't break so many. I'm disappointed in myself. But, it really felt like I needed to do it. And, I'm feeling really remorseful. And the thoughts are louder. I'm also angry with myself and really want to keep my promises. When I mad them, I intended to keep them. Really scared of you...somewhere along the way I kept thinking that you were angry, now it is just worse.


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