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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Last Two Weeks of 2009!!

I know that I didn't fill you in on what happened with my Thanksgiving, but let me say that it was really tough emotionally despite my being with my family. I had all these "should do this" in my head which my therapist pointed out that I was letting my mother "win."

My husband was home for the last two weeks of the year and we didn't go anywhere or have anything scheduled to go or to do. (With the exception of my therapy and a few doctor appointments) We both had the best time ever just the two of us spending time together. I was somewhat fragmenting, but not badly.

In January, I was still a bit fragmenty, but I came out of it more quickly. Now, my therapist is really pushing hard as I can handle it more. I keep "leaving" and he pushes me into "staying in the interaction." This is so difficult because of what we are talking about which is self-hatred. I keep defending with all I have!! Such a heavy and difficult subject. However, I kept my promise of not being hospitalized again...I got through the holidays without as much emotional fallout.

My all roads lead to "bad" and my "acting out" are related to self-hatred. When I am fragmenting, I always make everything that is said or done as an attack on me and I think that I am bad. My eating disorder, self-injury, suicidal thoughts and others have always been about self-hatred to the point where I want to destroy myself. As expected, my thoughts of self-injury and suicidal thought have increased, but I'm handling it better. I'm able to say to myself that this is expected and put it aside without things going out of control.

For me, the key is to have contact with someone. So, I call someone just to talk and it doesn't have to be about what is going on or I'll try to distract myself. I might as my husband to stroke my hair or just sit and cuddle. If it does get out of hand, I call my therapist. I am doing so much better now especially compared to last year...happy 2010!!


Anonymous said...

I'm glad things are going so well for you! It sounds like you know what you need to do to keep yourself safe-- keep it up!

Wishing you the best,

Clueless said...

Thanks so much NOS!!! Even though, this past year has been really difficult, I have grown much.

Take Care,

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