Last Two Weeks of 2009!!

I know that I didn't fill you in on what happened with my Thanksgiving, but let me say that it was really tough emotionally despite my being with my family. I had all these "should do this" in my head which my therapist pointed out that I was letting my mother "win."

My husband was home for the last two weeks of the year and we didn't go anywhere or have anything scheduled to go or to do. (With the exception of my therapy and a few doctor appointments) We both had the best time ever just the two of us spending time together. I was somewhat fragmenting, but not badly.

In January, I was still a bit fragmenty, but I came out of it more quickly. Now, my therapist is really pushing hard as I can handle it more. I keep "leaving" and he pushes me into "staying in the interaction." This is so difficult because of what we are talking about which is self-hatred. I keep defending with all I have!! Such a heavy and difficult subject. However, I kept my promise of not being hospitalized again...I got through the holidays without as much emotional fallout.

My all roads lead to "bad" and my "acting out" are related to self-hatred. When I am fragmenting, I always make everything that is said or done as an attack on me and I think that I am bad. My eating disorder, self-injury, suicidal thoughts and others have always been about self-hatred to the point where I want to destroy myself. As expected, my thoughts of self-injury and suicidal thought have increased, but I'm handling it better. I'm able to say to myself that this is expected and put it aside without things going out of control.

For me, the key is to have contact with someone. So, I call someone just to talk and it doesn't have to be about what is going on or I'll try to distract myself. I might as my husband to stroke my hair or just sit and cuddle. If it does get out of hand, I call my therapist. I am doing so much better now especially compared to last year...happy 2010!!