Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

This is the second in series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much...well, as I read it...maybe, it was still a major issue.

Geoffrey,

...Yesterday and today, I woke up too late to work when I planned, so I'm feeling bad that I haven't done anywork and feeling anxious...like if I don't get caught up this weekend that I'm going to lose my job. Also, feeling bad that I accidently put one of my new tops in the dryer when it is supposed to lay flat, so it shrank some.

Also, feeling really angry with you...that I don't matter, you don't care, you're not coming back, I don't want to see you anymore, etc...I don't feel like I can handle this and I am really wanting to cut...making you not exist. I am fragmenting big time where I can't take into account anything except that he is not here for me.

Feeling bad that I've had difficulty scheduling things. Still having flashbacks. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming and just want to die..

Tonight, Friday, I became angry with my husband and am currently locked in the bedroom. We were going to watch "Fame" together, but I couldn't get the remote to work, buut he could. He told me to push the buttons harded and I showed him the light was indicating that I was pressing hard enough. I pushed a pile of magazines on the floor thinking that they might be in the way.

It didn't help, so I tossed the remote in my husband's direction hitting him in the leg or somewhere. He said, "ouch," then mad a motion like he was going to throw it...sort of mimicking me and asked, "why do you throw things?" I got up to leave, but he grabbed me and said he was sorry and didn't mean to make fun of me. He eventually let go and I slammed the beedroom door and locked myself in.

My husband really scared me when he acted like he was going to throw the remote. Then, I became angry that he was mimcking me and that he grabbed me. I really wand to cut and don't care about the promises that I made to you.

I'm feeling really bad...I just want to die. (Feeling bad was the whole goal although I didn't know it at the time. All roads lead to bad. I was angry at my therapist for being on vacation, couldn't express it properly and took it out on my husband, which in turn made be feel "bad." Partialy because it wasn't okay to be angry.)

Sometimes, the thought, "I hate you for leaving" runs through my head. Makes me feel worse. I really wish I didn't forget the mug (whenever, he went away, I would have his coffee mug with his name engraved until he came back). Reading the cards just seems to make me more angry because I don't have a current one, but the Christmas gift helps especially what it is...feels so confusing...and I want to cry because you are gone and I want to scream, one because I'm angry. Feel bad about both...want to make you not exist. (if he doesn't exist, then there is no connection, so I'm not angry or hurt...it doesn't "matter")

Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....